So after putting two and two together I have been exploring Jung bit by bit and have slowly dove in. I am on the autism spectrum and most therapy seemed like BS to be honest and got more out of reading Thus Spoke Zarathustra then an appointment with a consoler. I did get some medicine from a doc, and does seem to help with panic attacks. I digress as that is not what I am here about.

For the past few years I realized I had a complex regarding my mother. I would project her rejection of abstractness on to other women. I tried to connect the dots, and I get it somewhat as my mom did not appreciate my intellectual nature and neither did women I dated (despite trying to go for smart ones, but they were kind of superficially). All good, but how do I not do that when the fact is no one wants to talk about my bullshit? As I was working today, I realized something keen. I am fairly introverted, industrious, intellectual, open minded, and classically liberal (I would say conservative, but I don't fit that). When I look around women on average tend to be my opposite in almost every way, or at least in the way I think of them in relation to my mother. What I am wondering, and please correct me if I am wrong, I am trying to grab for that because it is a reflection of my shadow? I am just diving into Jung, so forgive my naivety. I would just chalk it up of needed to bring the opposite into line with my personality, but I think below the surface it is more than just me needing to be more extroverted.

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The problem is inside, I have a lot of weirdness (quirky) and weirdness (I am not sure if it is narcissism or megalomania, but when I have verbalized it to some family members, they were a bit scared). Outside I try to get along, be nice, be level headed, and quiet. Inside my thoughts, it is totally different. Perhaps it is my shadow, but lately there have been several instances where I would rip someone a new one if I was not on my way to work and could get away with it (they were jackasses). I want to seize life by the scurf of itself. I don't want to leave any stone unturned and I am pissed at myself for the stalling of progress in my life (despite trying my damndest). I feel an urge to conquer, but not so much people, but things. I want to claw my way to great things in business and politics.

Part of this drive is from my childhood . My father passed when I was 14 and I felt like no one would be able to kick my ass into succeeding but me. Just before he died, I promised him I would win (X) political office. I have not gotten there yet, but I still have some time and I have run for a smaller political office and outperformed (but I did not win). I also had a bout with suicidal thoughts, but after I overcame them, I felt nothing was important except to clear the chess board of existing pieces (those in power, albeit democratically) and to go big or go home. I also felt rejected from youth groups I went to. I have succeeded in getting out of my home town, but I may need to go higher in order to get where I want. It is weird that I feel an urge to overachieve. It is like I need to keep running, or something will catch up with me, but I don't know what. So in a way I don't know if this cut throat is the real me and I wear the nice mask as a bartering mechanism or it is my shadow and I am overemphasizing other people and thinking I am trying to seek them out as they are my inferior function (shadow). I would err towards narcissism, but people have mentioned people with that don't realize they have it, so I don't think that is it. I have tried to minimize the bartering with the opposite sex (ie Nice Guy), but it is hard as I am naturally nice, but then I twist it to my needs.

I am sorry if this is a mess, but I am trying to lay everything on the table. The biggest thing was I was perhaps trying to integrate my shadow through other people and my past desperate attempts were an attempt to have some one (a woman) from the outside world (ie someone social) affirm what I felt inside about my complex ideas and remove the scorn my mother had about anything abstract (I liked to draw creatures as a kid, but she said they were demonic or whatnot. Then I tried talking about economics or other ideas and she was just like why are you overcomplicating things). However, maybe I need to integrate my shadow or something else in order to rectify the situation. I have been trying to love myself and accept that it is ok my brain is different, but trying to verbalize verbalize it to the opposite sex without repeating the past with my mother has been hard. I get not everyone wants to hear about Game Theory, Operations Research, or abstract thoughts I have about systems. Hell, a lot of people would probably feel weird with me talking about wanting to go to Tbilisi or Asuncion, which could open up the why. So I have been accepting those things, working on applying those things to a useful goal (for now internet marketing), and having a question mark over how to express these things without sounding like a nut.

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Sorry for the brain barf.