Dr. Peterson says on his website that we can post our letters here. So I am hoping that this can help me.

This story has 2 separate parts which interconnect, so please bare with me. I won't go into many details.

I am 44 years of age. My wife is 48 years of age. My mother is 72 years of age.

I am married to my loving and caring wife for 14 years. We have a child of 9, born in beautiful Toronto. Her and I have both Persian heritage and are not religious. We do love and practice some of the more meaningful Persian traditions, such as the Persian New Year. However, we have both grown up in Canada since around 3 years old.

My wife comes from a rather broken family. Her parents separated when she was 12 due to her mother's extramarital engagements with another man. Her father left the family. My wife was stuck with her mother (who was not at home most of the time) and took care of her 4 younger brothers. Her mother earned money by working a lot, but gave most of the money to the new man. After many years, my wife finally managed to get a degree and pull herself out of that miserable situation. Got a great job with the government of Canada and started her own life. However, her "new father", proposed to her out of no where and when my wife reported this to her mother, she didn't believe my wife. So my wife cut most of her communications with them, but not completely. She had a few nervous breakdowns and went into severe depression. Until she met me. After a few years together, she was finally able to completely cut-off her miserable life with her family who only used and abused her mentally, financially and physically (ALL of the chores at home, washing their clothes, taking them to school/doctor etc). However, she started contacts with her father in the hopes that at least, he could be of some emotional value to her. He turned out to be an alcoholic, so after our wedding, my wife cut her ties with him to.

At the cusp of this separation, we married.

I come from another rather broken family, but in another way. My father was a PTSD victim. He had extreme depression and anxiety. As such, he was overprotective of us (my mother, brother and I). However, unlike my wife, I grew up with my parents around and they both put in a lot of love and time for raising us. I graduated from the University of Toronto. However, I had strong emotional connections with my parents and always felt as if I am indebted to them for all that they have done for me. I never left home until I met my wife. But my father's upbringing wasn't the best method, in my opinion. He had a sort of all controlling, dictatorship way of life. Until 21 years of age, I wasn't allowed to leave the house, unless accompanied by him. He was very controlling (never physically abusing, but always mentally) of my mother. My mother did not have the mental strength to argue with him, so she took it all.

At the beginning, my parents did not approve of my wife due to her family situation and told me that her depression will backfire on me. After a few years, they budged and softened up.

6 months after our marriage, my father passed away at the age of 61. His death was very sudden and a huge shock. My mother was then 56. She was mentally and physically very fragile as she also suffered from severe depression. Additionally, she had other physical illnesses such as diabetes type 2. Immediately, without hesitation, after my father's passing, we brought my mother to our home to comfort her. My wife was at the forefront of it all. She took care of my mother with love and passion. She took care of all the funeral arrangements. She did not, even for one second, question the existence of my mother in our home.

As things progressed, my mother and my wife started to bond. That didn't happen easily as the adjustement of my mother living with us, was not easy for any of us. My mother was fragile emotionally (and still is) and could absolutely not live alone. My wife and I felt (and feel) a responsibilty of taking care of an elderly woman who has taken care of me and given up all her hopes and dreams for me.

Things progressed positively with some set backs at certain times, until we decided to move to Netherlands, where we live right now. We moved here because I found a job here and we decided to make it our home. When we asked my mother, she was hesitant at first, but eventually moved to Netherlands with us.

It has been 6 years. My wife and I have bought a house. I work, my wife doesn't. She takes care of all that has to do with the household, including our child AND my mother (emotional support etc). My mother has a bedroom for her self. She helps around the house.

No privacy and control over our own household is a major problem for us.

The problem:

The last few years, my mother stays at home most of the time. She has been complaining about everything, even the rain and the sun. She tries her best to fit in and help. She hasn't sought treatment for her depression. She is on top of her diabetes issue, but sometimes, seemingly forgets and gets sick. She is fragile and we cannot talk to her about sensitive issues, or else she will get very upset. Fragility is that she will end up with ehart issues in the hospital, because it has happened in the past. Although my wife has told my mother that she loves her like her own mother, my mother does not give my wife space. She is always telling my wife what to do. Always. It is sensitive because we know that she may mean it well. We cannot directly talk to her because she would immediately threaten to pack up her things, end up more depressed and eventually in the hospital.

I have talked to her indirectly a few times about her trying to give us some space and let us make our own decisions and conclusions. But this matter is becoming very difficult to accept for my wife. She is slowly falling into depression because she feels that she can't tell anything to my mother. That would be disasterous since they will, for sure, get into an argument and it will definitely end up very bad for my mother, health wise. I mentioned our Persian heritage. It is also unacceptable for children to put away their parents in these situations. I think generally speaking, it is anyways.

So, my wife opens up her issues to me in private. She can't take it anymore. My mother is ALWAYS telling her what to do. And I don't know what to do.

What would anyone in our case (my case) do?