I've recently decided to improve myself after about 15 years of intellectual laziness and depression. I came across Jordan Peterson's book, "An Antidote To Chaos" and have been reading it with enthusiasm. The advice in the book is well laid out and makes sense from a logical perspective. Still, I have so many questions that no one around me seems to want to even attempt to answer. Constant searching within myself has been mostly unfruitful as well. So I'm coming here to ask all of you for your help. I can't promise you anything in return other than the hope that one day a better version of myself may be able to help you in some way.

In Peterson's book, it is mentioned that much of Socrates' greatness can be attributed to his ability to never ignore his conscience. Readers are encouraged to do the same, and try living in a way in which you do not reject your own sense of right and wrong. But what about those of us who suffer greatly from anxiety? How do I know the difference between my conscience telling me not to do something because it’s evil and my anxiety telling me not to do something even though it’s good?
Anxiety lurks in the back of my mind at all times. No matter what I do it always doubts me. I've grown accustomed to ignoring it on most occasions, like when it tells me not to leave the house because a wolf might run out of the woods and eat me, or to stay out of arm's reach of strangers because at any moment one could lunge at me and slit my throat. I know these things are mere anxiety, and that the likeliness of them happening isn't worth living as a shut-in. But anxiety is especially devious when it disguises itself as conscience. A more nuanced example would be releasing a video for my youtube channel, where I often talk about controversial issues. With every video I am overcome with anxiety and dread. "I should not release this video because it's controversial and some people will hate it." - that's anxiety. "I should not release this video because I could be wrong in my stance, and promotion of the wrong stance could lead people to take action that negatively influences society" - that one is more tricky.
I am so used to doubting myself that I no longer know the difference between anxiety nagging at me about something unreasonable and my conscience warning me about something more reasonable. Perhaps everything is a mix of both. Perhaps anxiety and conscience are one and the same. If I cannot understand the difference, how can I take action? How can I ever be confident that my actions are positive?

My second question is one I have struggled with for as long as I can remember. I believe it began when I was a child. People would tell me that I was smart. I believed I was intelligent, so I began to focus on that aspect of myself. I thought carefully about everything I did and said. While most kids became socialized naturally and subconsciously, I was very conscious of my socialization. When one child mocks another for acting strangely, the child stops acting strangely out of fear of ridicule. I felt no such fear. When another child ridiculed me, I carefully observed them and took notes on why they might be making fun of me. I would take guesses as to what specific aspect of themselves would cause them to make fun of another child; was it parental abuse? Was it their family's level of income? Was it their intelligence level? I would also try different things and see how the other kids reacted. I found that saying certain words or performing certain actions would lend itself to specific results. If I called their mother fat, that would make them angry. If I complimented them for something they did, that would make them like me. I didn't care if they were angry or if they liked me, I was merely interested in the results. I tried figuring out exactly what actions to take to achieve whatever result I wanted, as if other people were vending machines.
As I got older I realized what I was doing was evil and manipulative. I realized that I had a sort of power. I vowed to not use this power, because using it at all would be evil. But that just lead to depression - 15 years of it. 15 years of shutting my brain off almost entirely. Spending my time in a complete daze because I knew that paying attention to people at all would inevitably result in me manipulating them.

Even now I am very aware of my actions. If I compliment my step-dad he will buy me lunch without my asking. If I visit my elderly grandfather in his nursing home and talk to him about his investments, he will give me "seed money" without me asking or even implying that I want it. Any act of kindness from me isn't because I'm kind, but instead because I know that people will think I'm kind for doing it. I did missionary work because I wanted a god to love me, not because I loved a god or any of the people I was helping. I joined the army because I wanted to be seen as a hero, not because I care about patriotism or protecting people.

So finally, after that long-winded introduction, here is my question - Can someone like me ever be good? If I am aware of the reason I do anything and the effect it will have on people, can I ever say I did anything "out of the goodness of my heart?" The only concept of "good" I have is whatever helps society, and I only care about the health of that society because I am part of it and the good it can do for me. Therefore, any "good" I do is inherently selfish, and I cannot think of an ideology that classifies selfishness as "good". Is it possible, as I've suspected, that there is no good? That all actions are a mix of good and evil - selfless acts for selfish reasons?

​

Thank you for reading. I hope that someone has some insight for me.