I am hoping this can help me, once again. Last year, I posted a question regarding a similar matter here and received many helpful comments:

https://www.reddit.com/r/JordanPeterson/comments/xc9bv9/letter_emotionally_stuck_between_mother_and_wife/

I took those comments and discussed them with my wife first. Then I tried to set my mother on the right path, but things aren't going well, again.

Shortly about us: My wife and I haven't had an easy upbringing. In her childhood, she lived in Iran and was raised during her childhood in a war between Iraq and Iran. If that wasn't easy, my wife's mother cheated on her husband when my wife was 12. She saw it and her mother beat her up. From then, the marriage was in ruins but they split up when they arrived in Canada when my wife was 17. My wife didn't see her father much after that because she was under the inflence of her mother. Also, she had to raise her 4 younger brothers because her mother apparently worked all the time, which later on, proved to be because she wanted to pay for the immigration to Canada of her lover with whom she cheated. When the lover arrived and they had a child, the lover, who was 10 years younger than my wife's mother, told my wife, who was around 25, that he was in love with her. My wife told her mother and her mother laugher at her. So, eventually, at age 30, when my wife met me, she left all of her family including her brothers who only milked her for her energy and money. My wife was determined to start a healthy and loving life with me. She has been on antidepressants for almost 30 years.

It has been 20 years since and my wife is now 50.

My family seemed a bit more stable, but I also was raised during the same war as my wife. My parents always argued with each other. In Iran, they argued every day about anything. My father was diagnosed with PTSD, had been an alcoholic when he was young and was very strong headed. He had severe depression. He never physically did anything to my mother or my brother or I. My mother was educated in the USA (bachelor of arts) and had gone back to Iran to live during the time of the Shah (1976). She met my father and they married. But my mother was calmer, and at the same time, extremely defensive of her family. My father picked a lot of her family and that's where the majority of arguments arose. My mother came from a rather wealthier background with a bit more educated members of family. That doesn't exclude her 3 brothers who were (now it is evident) very arrogant idiots. They weren't particularly civilized, to put it easily. After about 10 years of marriage, my mother was also diagnosed with depression. We immigrated to Canada about the same time as my wife. My father remained the emotionally abusive person. He loved my brother and me, but was extremely controlling. My mother didn't want to argue with him so she took all of his abuses. However, she remained determined to protect her paternal/maternal family against my father; a fact which I always knew wasn't true because they were no angels.

My brother, from his late teenage years, became a light criminal, to put it softly. He quit school, went the wrong direction, and told my father that because he had no money, he wasn't good. So he left with his girlfriend. But my father and my mother stayed worried about him and each time he wanted to visit them, it was as if Christmas had arrived. My father would finish a pack of smokes in a couple of house waiting for him in excitement. My mother would cook the best dishes that he loved.

My brother used to have a kind heart, but was crooked from the beginning. He changed his elementary school marks with a pencil so my parents wouldn't notice him failing grade 5. And eventually riches and evil took over his heart.

I met my wife when I was 26. To be honest, I loved my parents but was searching for a loving woman who would fill up a void and emptiness in my life.

I ended up being diagnosed with depression as well when I was 27.

My father died 6 months after my wife and I married. Before the marriage and in the first couple of years, my wife and I had a lot of difficulties with each other and almost separated a couple of times. But it was honestly love that kept us together. My wife is a very strong woman who can definiately survive on her own. But we loved our life and did everything we could to keep the relationship alive.

When my father died, events happened so fast and my mother came to live with us. We were all lonely and it made sense that she comes and stay with us. My brother left right away to "sorrow" elsewhere on his own. My wife even verbally invited my mother and told her she must stay and live with us.

Adjusting to this 3 adult living condition wasn't easy. I was the one who was hit and hurt by it the most. My wife gave up a lot of her freedoms and privacy. She kind of took it on herself to take care of my mother and told her that she was actually replacing her own mother and could use her advise in life. My mother helped us here and there with advise etc.

We had a child after 5 years. It wasn't easy creating a child because of privacy of course. When my mother went to Iran for 6 months to visit her family, it was then when our child was created. My mother loves our child from the first second and has done anything and everything in her power to be able to replace 2 grandfather and 1 grandmother who are missing my child's life.

This goes to the extent that lately (my child is now 10 years old) she is telling us almost all the time what to do. And it is to be honest, annoying. My wife is getting tired of this. My mother is also telling my wife, all the time, what to do. My mother isn't working (she is 72) and is always at home. She is really depressed and doesn't want to go out. She doesn't want to do anything.

Here is the problem:

My mother still loses her self when her family calls her. That's her business. But she also does that when my brother calls her. My brother lives in Spain. 6 years ago he told my mother that he wants to move closer to us and her because he hasn't been with his family ever. He used our address and moved to us. Then after 1 year he suddenly said I don't like the weather and suddenly moved with his 3rd wife to Spain. Now everytime he feels like it, he buys my mother a ticket to go see him for a week.

I told my mother why is it that he sits in his villa like a king and tells you to go see him? Why can't he and his wife take a trip here to see you?

My mother lost her temper and yelled at me. She told me that my wife put me up to this. My mother has had this thing against my wife that whenever I say anything, she secretly asks me if my wife has put the thoughts in my head. Then she said have you and your wife secretly been plotting something against me to talk behind my back? When I confronted my mother with my wife and told the story, my wife said to my mother that I was right. My mother lost it, said that my brother and I are the same to her and slammed the door and went to her room. My wife and I went out and in the street we were talking amongst ourselves because we were upset. My wife said why does your mother always crap on us? When we came back, my mother called me to her room and was mad at me. She said I heard the two of you cursing at me and saying that I crapped on you.

Anyways, this is just one small episode of many. We love my mother and she loves us. But she is heard headed and proud. My wife is hard headed and proud. But I am a witness that my wife has done alot for my mother. My mother also has tried in her own way, but not as much as my wife. She doesn't even help around the house anymore. She is negative and doesn't laugh and only laughs when she talks to her family. She can't visit them either because Iran has become unstable after the occurance of Covid-19. I am a quiet humble guy and don't want to sit between them.

My wife, this time, has given up. She says she can't live with my mother under the same roof and that the least my mother could do, is to apologize for saying that we are plotting against her. My wife isn't happy anymore. My mother is quiet and it seems she is only living here as a room mate.

We can't kick her out because she would have no where to go. She is fragile and would not survive to see the next summer. We all know that. Also it is not in our tradition to kick out parents.

Should I talk to my mother? If so, what should I say? She might (and has in the past) threaten to leave. But I'm worried where will she go? My wife is tired of this situation and can't take it anymore. Should I put all 3 of us in a conversation? How can I temporarily convince my wife to calm down?

Any advise will be appreciated. Thank you.

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