Whats green and smells like red paint? Green paint.

Whats worse than biting in to an apple and finding a worm? Getting raped by a giant scorpion.

A horse walks in to a bar. Several people get up and leave as they spot the potential danger in the situation.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

Why did the sheep fall off the cliff? Because it was blind.

How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for christmas? An untreatable heart condition.

How do you make a plumber cry? Kill his family.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile? Get in the Batmobile.

A man walks in to a bar. He is an alcoholic who is ruining his relationship with his family, his finances, and his career.

How many Jews does it take two change a lightbulb? Only one depending on height. Two if they're short; one to hold the ladder and one to screw in the lightbulb.

Why did the black man buy three boxes of condoms? Because he practices safe sex and they were on sale.

Why do black people eat fried chicken? Because it tastes good.

What did Stephen Hawking say to a prostitute? Nothing. Stephen Hawking cannot speak due to his ALS. Instead he uses software and speakers connected to a sensor activated by a muscle in his cheek.

A duck walks in to a bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?" The duck doesn't respond because ducks cannot speak and the bartender is a moron for thinking the duck has something to say.

If you want to burn a lot of calories you should find a fat kid and set him on fire.

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Why did the chicken cross the road? We don't know.

What's funnier than a pile of dead babies? Just about anything is funnier than a pile of dead babies.

Why are black people so good at basketball? Dedication and hard work.

Stephen Hawking walks in to a bar.

What do you call a man that has no arms an no legs? Whatever he says his name is.

Haikus are easy. But some times they don't make sense. Refrigerator.

Why did the girl fall off the swing? Someone threw a tire at her.

How do you stop a black man from drowning? Throw him a floatation device.

Why did the black man buy a watermelon? Because he likes watermelon.

Why did the white man buy a watermelon? Because he likes watermelon.

How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen? Five.

A daring man proclaimed, "Well, here goes nothing." Then nothing proceeded to happen.

Thank you Reddit for supplying me with many of these jokes and inspiring many more! I didn't come up with most of these, but applied my own creativity to some.