This post is an update to Here Comes Grandma with COVID:

Here comes Grandma with COVID

I wrote a 4 page letter to my parents about their behavior, agonizing over each and every word, hoping that the right combination might help them to see. I told them I hope to have an open and honest relationship with them. When I sent the link to the GoogleDoc I wrote it in, I added the message:

Hey guys,

Now that I’m able to function better, I’m trying to process all the mess from this past week and I hope that you will help me to do that. I have written a letter that I want you to read and take some time to digest before you respond.

Within 8 minutes, my mother had responded:

Sorry you feel so badly about us and last week. Not a piece of cake for us either. We need time. You need to take time too. We will not come until you both feel better about us.

Within 10, my dad:

I will not be contacting you or [my husband] again. If you want to speak with me you can contact me. You are not the only person that experienced stress over the past week.

30 minutes out, my mother tried to call. I didn’t answer. Then she texted: “I just tried calling you to discuss. I will not call back. I will wait for you.”

She also texted my mother-in-law first writing: “Can I call you please? I would like to apologize for my behavior last week.” When MIL didn’t answer, my mom called her. Then proceeded to text: “okay. Just know that I’m sorry for losing my mind last week. I’m really glad that you and [DH’s sister] were there for OP and DH last week. I won’t bother you anymore.”

Needless to say, I’ll not be contacting them. I think my mom was implying that the proverbial ball is in my court, but I wrote everything I needed to express in the letter so I really have nothing to say.

They choose to dismiss my feelings, so I’ll dismiss theirs. My mother’s favorite non-apology is “Sorry you feel that way,” so that will be my mantra.

I expect for my mother to contact me toward the end of their COVID quarantine, when the opportunity to visit is more real and she is dying to meet the baby. When she does, I’ll not be listening to her feelings. I plan to get off the phone when she starts to cry about what all she thinks I’ve put them through.

The ironic thing about my father’s message that he won’t be contacting us anymore is that he only contacted us twice the week after baby’s birth, both times to find out when my mother could come to visit. He didn’t inquire about my health or the baby’s.

In the meantime, I’ve enjoyed the radio silence for a couple of days.

UPDATE

I have received a text this morning from my mother:

“Please don’t shut me out. I don’t know how you don’t think I love you. I would do anything for you. Please don’t punish me by ending our relationship and keeping your child from us. Can you just lower your expectations for me and be willing to accept me as I am? The good, the bad, and the ugly. All my imperfections???? Can you find forgiveness in your heart for me and my mega melt down last week? I know I could have brought Covid to y’all. I have been sick about it. If you don’t trust me, there is nothing I can do to restore that. I am willing to listen to you if you are willing to work things out. I love you. I am truly sorry. Please forgive me.”

I’m surprised that she’s acknowledged her “major meltdown” and the fact that she would have given us COVID.

I’ve drafted a response but haven’t sent it yet:

“Thank you for your apology. I do accept it but just know that my forgiveness will depend on your future actions. I will not accept “the bad” or “the ugly” in your behavior again. You are not being punished; your actions had and will continue to have consequences.

You say you would “do anything” for me, but that rings pretty hollow to me right now seeing as you couldn’t do something as simple as just be willing to wait when I asked you to.

I was not keeping our child from you; I had to protect her from you, and as sad as that is to say—it’s the truth. So, I’m not going to lower my expectations; I think you should lower yours about how much say you actually have in how I run my life and family.

I don’t want to shut you out but I also couldn’t accept moving on from all that happened last week without your acknowledgment that you should have behaved differently. Understand that if you want to be included with me and my family, you need to be willing to hear and accept “No” when something doesn’t work for us... Without pushing an issue to the point that we’re in the situation that we are now. But, I won’t let it get to that point again because I’ll just have to cut it off. I was in no state to be dealing with your negativity and harassment over your wants. I wasn’t strong enough physically or mentally to address these problems until now.

I do want for you to see baby and I will contact you to work out the details for a visit when I feel ready. For now, I thank you for taking responsibility for your actions.

I need for you to respect the fact that I have feelings, wants, and needs of my own. And now I’m responsible for another person who I need to take care of and give the best life possible. DH, mine, and Baby’s needs will come first. I won’t be pretending that things are okay when they’re not.

I am willing to try to move on from it if you’re willing to change. Honestly, I am hesitant to trust you again, but maybe your choices and actions in the future will help change my mind. I need you know that what you did might be forgiven, but will never be forgotten. That being said, I want to suggest that you might think about returning to therapy. I can’t give you the emotional support that you need and I won’t tolerate another “mega meltdown.”

(Here is where I give an update about baby.)

I hope that you are not too sick with COVID. I love you, too. ”

Thoughts? Advice? All is welcome. I am very open to revising my response message, which I will send later today.

Thanks to everyone who has commented so far. My husband and I have taken great comfort in reading your responses.

An update on baby: She is doing great! We actually made the trip back to the wonderful teaching hospital a couple of days ago and they fitted her with a Pavlik harness for moderate hip dysplasia (both hips). Her pediatric orthopedist believes only 4-6 weeks will correct the issue with no need for surgery. Baby had a fussy day and night in the Pavlik, but she’s getting used to it.

MIL and SIL left yesterday. We took baby for a walk in her jogger stroller this morning and have just generally been enjoying resting in our quiet home and starting to make our own little routines.