Hello, everyone. I just need to rant a bit. It ended up long as shit, as usual (sorry, you may want to grab some coffee or hot chocolate or something and settle in), but the ultimate point here is that I did something stupid last night and spent all this morning being super keyed-up over it, and I guess now I just need to get it out of my system with people who "get it." People who understand.

But I do apologize in advance, because this is going to be a bit repetitive. She did the same fucking annoying thing that I've posted like three times about now, so I'm sorry for repeating myself again.

The stupid thing requires a little bit of context first, though. Essentially, Old Yeller has finally found me good options for a car. She has been looking for the last year, and now I'm finally thiiiiis close to the thing that will solve many of my life problems (except the problem of still not having a license, that's my own fault). She caught me in the living room last night to discuss insurance and such, and we didn't really come to a conclusion, but that was how our conversation started.

The part where I fucked up: I think she asked about me moving with Boyfriend or something, or I stupidly volunteered that information/reminded her of that. In any case, that subject came up and I, like a huge idiot, told her that I've changed my major again and that if all goes well, I should graduate in three semesters (counting this current one). And that I want to "start my life and independence" and move out (read: get the fuck away from her), preferably with Boyfriend, as soon as I don't have to go to school anymore.

I really, really don't know why I told her that. I don't know what happened. It's like when she asks me about my life I just automatically tell her everything important going on. It usually doesn't matter, but this time...later I thought to myself "WTF brain" because I had never wanted her to know I hope to move in three semesters. My plan was to save up over the next year and try to GTFO next summer/fall or so and never tell her. I wanted her not to know I was going so soon until she saw me packing or I was already gone. And here I went and spilled everything to her. Now she knows I have about a year-ish left before I'm fucking gone. (I hope.)

Anyways, I really don't know what I expected, because in true Old Yeller fashion she seized upon the news about me hoping to leave in a year as an opportunity to fucking grill me again. She wanted to know how I felt about her, if my feelings had changed at all, and whether or not I wanted anything to do with her or if I just wanted her to leave me alone, because "you know, you had told me some really hard things and that you didn't really like me because of what I'd done to you," and I'm standing there trying to remember what she's talking about. I go "...Was this mother's day?" and she says yes. To her credit, she also wanted to know if there was anything she could do for me or any way she could make up for what she'd done, and she seemed legitimately concerned about me, but...

[inhale]

OH MY FUCKING GOD WILL YOU STOP FUCKING HARPING ABOUT THAT ALREADY, I ALREADY FUCKING REGRET IT ENOUGH

(I hope that worked, I hear pound characters make text huge.)

I deflected her. Three times.

"I really don't think it's that relevant, things have been fine."

"It's relevant to me."

"I'm not all that worried about it, things have been okay so far."

"I'm very worried about it, you told me you don't like me."

(Internally: FFFFFFFFFFFFF)
[flounders for words for a minute]
"I think the words I'm missing are that I don't want to talk about this right now. I think it's a conversation for the future and I don't want to get into it right now."

And then the bitch finally dropped it. But JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ON A CRACKER. She makes me so damn mad. Like, even if she seems concerned about how she can make it up to me and help me...it doesn't fucking matter anymore. The damage is fucking done. I'm saddled with anxiety issues that will probably be lifelong (or at least I wouldn't be surprised if they were). I'm cleaning up the mess she made of me. Nothing she does now will make it better. She cannot just suddenly magically become the good mother I used to wish I had. Shit, I would probably feel super weirded out and afraid if she tried. I get wanting to fix what you've fucked up, but...by this point it's too little, too late. If she wanted to be a good parent, she had ample opportunity when I was a teenager and she was regularly terrifying me. But now? Fuck off.

And also, even if she says she wants to make it up to me, I still feel like all she cares about is how she feels. "How do you feel about me?" "Are you still mad at me?" "Do you like me yet?" Maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions because this does legitimately involve her, but that wording she's been using over the last several months just bugs me. I feel like there are more tactful ways to ask somebody how to help them over what you did to them, you know? But the way she asks these questions has seriously been making me feel like all she actually cares about are how unhappy she feels and how she wants to feel better. Pisses me off.

I understand being worried because you're afraid somebody you care about hates you and you want to know how they really feel, but...it just rubs me the wrong way. And by this point, what I don't want to tell her is that I don't hate her (most of the time). I don't even think I love her. I don't anything her. I just want to get the fuck away from her and out of her disgusting, filthy, noisy house.

Boyfriend's opinion this morning was that he gets that I never want to deal with it, but this probably isn't a good way to handle it, and also that by not giving her an answer I've already told her what she wants to know. And I understand that I probably do need to deal with this at some point, but I'm not doing it when she's about to basically buy me a car. I don't even want to have this conversation until I'm about to be away from her.

I'll probably just seek my therapist's advice tomorrow, but for now, it was nice to get it off my chest. Thanks for letting me take forever to get to the point and rant in way too much damn detail here.