I just got back from a driving lesson with my mom, and that's the only good part about this post. I got to drive again for like the first time in two weeks.

We get in her car, and on our way to wherever she's taking me (which turned out to be a parking lot to practice in), the first words out of her mouth are:

"So do you like me yet?"

I was stunned, and sat in silence for a second trying to figure out how the fuck to answer that. After a few seconds of awkward silence where I tried not to internally freak out because what the fuck kind of question is that and why the fuck are you putting me on the spot like this, she kind of laughed and went, obviously-jokingly, "oh well fuck you then." I am absolutely certain she was teasing, which is fine, but I hate that she had to fucking ask another question like that.

After another few seconds of me sitting there silently trying to unscramble my brain and say something, she goes "Really though, do you like me? You can say 'No of course not you demon woman,' it's not a problem." Another joke, but I feel like there was actual pain and fear hidden under it and she was just trying to make it light. Which made it painfully awkward.

I rapidly realized that there was no good way out of this but to lie through my teeth and give her some sort of answer so she would finally back the fuck off, so I answered "I mean...what kind of question is that, of course I do..."

"Do you really? I need reassurance. I mean, after mother's day I felt like you didn't, since you kind of told me you didn't like me." (Said in a light-ish tone, she was still trying to play it off like everything was fine and we were just having a nice easy chat about some issues we'd had previously. Um, fucking what?)

"Yeah..."

I regretted my life decisions so hard in that moment. I wanted to metaphorically jump out of the fucking car.

I don't know what the fuck's got her so concerned with what I think about her but this has only happened twice now and it's already driving me insane. I hate it. She pried about my therapist again on the way too. We passed by a decrepit house that was being worked on, and literally all I said was that I walk by it all the time.

"Oh, you walk by that? Why?"

"I have to walk up [street name] frequently."

"Why's that?"

"To run errands." [To go see my therapist that I refuse to talk to her about.]

"Is there any way you can schedule these errands so I can take you?" [HAHAHAHAHAHA she hasn't given me a ride anywhere in years.]

"I can't go until weekends because my schedule doesn't really allow it, but it's not that far of a walk."

"Oh is it that shrink you go see?"

"Yeah, she's right up here. Anyways--"

"Oh, how's that shrink thing going for you?"

"Fine. Anyways--"

"And how are you doing personally?"

"I'm alright..."

"Is your shrink helping you at all?"

"Yeah." And then I finally managed to rapidly change the subject.

Fucking christ. I hate it. I really wish she would back the fuck off. I get that she's probably hurt and scared that I hate her forever, and I know it sucks to have people mad at you (a feeling I know all too well), but this is really bothering me. I feel like if this is all she cares about, whether I'm still "mad at" her and whether I "like" her or not, then she can fuck right off because she's not endearing herself to me by constantly prying and poking about it (even though so far it's only happened twice).

Like first of all, she terrorized me for basically my whole life. I can't get over that shit in a few months and I'm kind of fucking offended that she thinks I can. Although I guess to be fair, I don't think she actually knows how bad it really was.

Second, I feel like she's pushing me away farther by asking things like this because holy shit, does she really only care about herself and her feelings? Seriously? Fuck me and the pain she caused me, right?

And I guess...this might be completely sick, but I'm almost glad she's feeling a shred of what I went through for years. I bet she wonders if I hate her. Well guess what bitch, I used to think you hated me because of the way you treated me. I used to live in fear of making you angry. I'm almost happy that she's now begging and scrounging for some scrap of affection or sign of love from me, because that's what I did as a child up until I realized what a bitch she was. Then as a teenager I just avoided her as much as possible because--golly gee whillikers, wow, children who then turn into teenagers don't like being screamed at regardless of how old they actually are.

I almost feel like I can't even fully articulate why this shit she's doing is bothering me so much, but it is.

We have plans to go driving again tomorrow evening and if she pulls this shit again...I don't want to be trapped in a confined space with her if all she's going to do is grill me about liking her.