So something really irritating happened today.

I just got back from an appointment with my therapist. Since I can't drive yet, I have to walk to the office. Which is fine, it only takes me about 20 minutes. The place isn't that far from my house.

Because I have to walk, when I got to the living room all dressed and ready to go, Old Yeller asks what I'm up to. Now, I get being interested in my life, but given what happened the last time I told her I was going to therapy (see BitchBot for that fun story), I no longer tell her when I'm going to it. So she now happens to ask every time I'm about to see my therapist and I have to tell her I'm going "out" or "to run an errand." The last few times she tried to pry deeper but goddamnit bitch fuck off and leave me alone, I'm not telling you about therapy ever again after the mother's day fiasco. Stay the fuck out of my business.

Anyways, she asks this annoying fucking question again and I say "To run an errand." I thought that would be the end of it, but nope, because the next words out of her mouth were:

"Are you still angry at me?"

This confused me initially, because my first thought was For what? Nothing happened recently, what is she talking about? What I said was "Still?...Um, no, why would I be?"

"I just wanted to know if you'd changed your feelings about me."

OH.

OH REALLY.

This bitch.

That made it dawn on me, and it pissed me right the hell off. Is this bitch serious? Oh boo hoo, poor me, my daughter hates me and I feel bad because she might still be mad at me. Bitch is that seriously all you're concerned about? Is THAT all that matters to you? Your poor hurt fee-fees because I avoid you? Are you FUCKING SERIOUS? Do you just not give a shit that there's a REASON I'm "still mad at" you? Are you too stupid to realize that your actions have consequences? Do you seriously not know that yelling and screaming at somebody is not going to make them want to be around you?? Like oh yeah fuck you and your anxiety issues that I caused, fuck your fear and all the shit I did to you, IIIIII am just so hurt that you're still angry with me and that's all that matters.

Honestly, how dare she ask me that. How dare she trivialize it like we just had a one-time fight a few months ago. Way to fucking rugsweep 20 years of fear and pain. "Still angry at me" get that bullshit out of here. This isn't that fucking simple. We didn't have one fight. She yelled at me and made me feel like the worst devil child to disgrace the face of the earth for basically almost my whole life and now she wants to know if I'm """still angry""" with her?? God, she has no fucking self-awareness.

She is the reason I'm scared of new people. She is why new situations scare me. She's the reason I'm terrified of failure. She's the reason I'm a barely-functional human being. She is why I'm a neurotic fucking mess that can barely handle anything on my own. And she has the fucking nerve to whine and cry about me being """mad at""" her. Oh poor her, her life must be soooo haaarrrrrd because I'm holding a grudge and still """angry at her."""

I kind of just completely avoided the subject, told her I'd be back in like an hour and a half, and left, but after I stepped out of the house I really wished that I had looked her dead in the face and said "Being screamed at, emotionally terrorized, and abused for 20 years isn't something I can get over in four months." It probably would have either crushed her or led to a huge fight, but maybe it would have been worth it.

And just a few weeks (months?) ago Boyfriend and I were talking about the potential for improvement, that maybe if I talked to her things could get better. I think she just threw that possibility right out the fucking window.