So this might be a short-ish post, but basically, today I had a session with my therapist. And it was...hard. I cried a lot because I had some really awful realizations, and that's what today's post is about. Just when I think maybe what Old Yeller did wasn't that bad and that I'm starting to get over it, shit like this happens.

Basically, I realized that Old Yeller taught me at a young age that no one cares about how I feel. No one cares if I'm sad, and no one will help me. And that seems to be why I absolutely hate crying in front of people. I don't like that vulnerability.

I told my therapist a story from my childhood that might explain this, something I remembered recently. I don't recall exactly what happened or prompted my reaction, I just remember the conversation that followed. I think I was about five or six years old at the time. I can only assume Old Yeller had yelled at me about something and I went to go feel bad in private. However, I remember that I had the idea to draw her a picture--a big, broken heart. It felt like it took forever to color in, but I did it.

When I went to go give it to her, she looked at me like I was garbage. The look on her face clearly said "Oh, it's you. What do you want?" I couldn't even say anything. I just held it towards her. And what came out of her mouth was "I don't want it."

I don't remember what happened after that, but I'm pretty sure I was crushed.

This led to the realization of why I hate crying in front of people. She taught me at a very young age that no one cares about how I feel or what I want. And then I kind of had a breakdown and cried a lot because it fucking hurt to realize that I was five years old and she just brushed me off like she didn't care. I was five years old and she taught me that no one would come for me if I cried, no one would help me, and nobody cared. She taught me that I was on my own.

That's why I bury my wants and needs, that's why I hate crying in front of people and showing vulnerability, and that's why I've always shut myself in my room to go cry in private for the last 20 years. Why show people I'm upset if they don't care? Why tell people what my wants and needs are when they obviously don't matter?

I was sitting there in my therapist's office with my face in my hands mid-breakdown like "why would you do that to a five-year-old kid? That's cruel. That's how you emotionally destroy someone...like this, and now they're an adult who can't cry because it's vulnerable and shows weakness. Why would anyone do that to a five-year-old, they don't deserve it..."

At least my therapist was proud of me for sitting with my emotions and being real, even if it meant having me devolve into a crying snotty mess.

But holy shit, I realized all over again that Old Yeller is fucking awful.