I was supposed to ask my therapist about this today but didn't have the chance because we talked about other things, so now I'm asking you guys.

Yesterday Trusted Family Member texted me and said that Old Yeller had recently talked to her about the mother's day fiasco. She then copied and pasted the relevant parts and sent them to me.

Old Yeller apparently hopes she didn't damage me too much and feels like an idiot because she had no clue I felt the way I do. She was hurt and still is but my feelings for her won't change her feelings for me. She said she loves me and has to respect my needs at this time so she doesn't bug me.

She told Trusted Family Member how I apparently have to get away from her and probably won't see her when I move, but that that could also change and I may change my mind about her. That I don't have to see her, she just wants me to be safe and happy.

When Trusted Family Member suggested that Old Yeller talk to me, she said she'd had a whole lot of hurt in the last two years and she's not going to push anything just because her thinking is skewed, and is just taking it one day at a time, "loving where I can, praying where I can't." She thinks it will all work out and doesn't dwell on "should have, could have, would have," and just works on being a better person than she was yesterday and tries to show love to me and hope I see she isn't the person she was yesterday.

Old Yeller said she "can't make up for the wrongs, real or perceived, from our past," but just has to make sure they don't happen again. [I want to get my hackles raised at the "real or perceived" part, I've read enough of here and RBN to know what that means.]

Trusted Family Member then told me she didn't get permission to share this with me but did it anyway to show me that Old Yeller does love me and that there's an opportunity to talk about these things with her. She just wanted to bring it to me as something to consider and show me another side of the story. What I do with this information is up to me, apparently.

The problem I see is...Trusted Family Member seems to think I have some sort of opportunity to talk to Old Yeller about this, but I don't know where she's getting that idea when during the discussion Old Yeller and I had about the floors after I fell down the stairs, she said once or twice that she wasn't going to hash over everything she did to me and didn't want to talk about it. She said she didn't want to know because I'd already hurt her enough, or something like that, I don't completely remember. So why would I talk to her about it when she's already made it clear she either doesn't care or doesn't want to discuss it?

Granted, Old Yeller did do a complete 180 from that conversation the next day. But that just makes it more muddled. I have no idea what, if anything, to do about this. Sure, Boyfriend did just recently tell me that even if things between me and Old Yeller are kind of okay right now, they won't get up to the point of being actually good if I don't do anything. He is of the opinion that I have to do something if I want things to improve, but I'm scared to. I'm afraid to talk to Old Yeller, I'm afraid that she wants to be nice to me, I'm almost afraid to have anything to do with her at all.

And then I find out all of this. Upon telling Boyfriend, in response to me saying she doesn't want to talk about the past, he replied that Old Yeller is still under the impression that I absolutely despise her since that was the read she got from mother's day. When I answered that I did absolutely despise her at one point in my life but that's gotten hard to keep up after this kind of change, he said that that seemed like the point to him--she doesn't want me to hate her but seems too stubborn to admit it.

I'm honestly really confused about this now that I type it all out. It feels so convoluted. Old Yeller has her own feelings about what happened and I'm still in this shell of being scared and not wanting to let go of my resentment and anger, because...I realize at this point I've probably taken on too much of my trauma almost as part of my identity. I am honestly afraid to let down my walls and let my mother in. I feel like if I let all the way go of what she's done (right now I'm letting go enough to stop dwelling on it so much), then...I don't know. I don't know what will happen, and that scares me.

But both Boyfriend and my old therapist at school once told me that it seemed to them that she was trying to make up for what had happened, and I can't deny that I've seen change in her myself.

And yet right now (as I type/edit/add to this before posting), I honestly feel like all this just makes me want to build those walls even higher. Maybe I don't want a relationship with Old Yeller or to let her in, how can I trust somebody who's given me anxiety problems and food issues and scared the shit out of me as a teenager?

But I also feel like I'm just being really defensive and that maybe I should really consider this. Maybe there's something I can do here.

I really don't know what to do, though...so can I get some outside perspective or advice, maybe?