I originally made my first post concerning my MIL under an old account. For the sake of privacy, and the risk of my own mother finding me through it, I made a new account.

Last year we were forced to move in with my MIL for a few months after our apartment burned down. During those months Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's past.

Thanksgiving was wonderful for me, being surrounded by a big family who liked to rub elbows with each other was super nice, since I came from a family where we could have made bets on which Matron would start the fight that ruined the evening for everyone and when.

During the eating and cooking and hanging out I made friends with one of DW's Uncles, let's call him UIL3. He seemed super sweet and harmless and took an interest in welcoming the shy "friend" at DW's elbow. He's married, has a couple of rugrats, all is well. I didn't feel threatened by him at all, or like he was trying to lead things in a direction that should not be traveled. During this event we were told rather explicitly by my MIL not to tell anyone that we are a couple. Why that is important I have no clue, because Cousin 2 is openly gay and no one gives a shit. I'm annoyed by and resent this but agree to not explicitly say anything. DW on the other hand is not as stealthy about it as me. Naturally everyone just figures out on their own that we are a couple.

After eating, joking, and talking with UIL3 I started to feel really uncomfortable about hiding the fact that I'm a trans woman. I was still perfecting my vocal training, but it had definitely come far enough along to not raise suspicions, and I was really proud of and excited about that. He and I talked some more, and after I got permission from DW, I came out to him as a trans woman. I should him some pictures of what I used to look like and a short video of what I used to sound like. I also made him promise not to say anything to anyone else except his wife, and even then to wait until after they had left and do so privately. Naturally he agreed to this and understood my caution. That was that. I felt more comfortable and was extremely happy to be so accepted by DW's family, especially since I had been disowned by my own just a few months beforehand.

The next day we were pet sitting for a family friend, so we were at their house watching their dogs. MIL phoned DW and exploded. DW had to hold the phone a good foot from her ear, the tantrum was so loud. MIL called me every name in the book, and demanded to know why I had disrespected her by doing exactly what she had begged us not to do. The phone call lasted a good 15 minutes of DW trying to mollify her mother while I sat there frozen, trying not to cry and feeling like I might become homeless at any second.

After the phone call DW let into me. She was under MIL's spell. I admit it, I JADE-ed. But DW actually listened to me, realised she was acting irrationally, and ended up holding me while I cried and tried to breath like a normal person. I reminded her that she herself had given me permission to tell UIL3, and that I did NOT break my promise, as I had only told him that I am trans NOT thst we are a couple. That everyone had already figured out on their own because none of them are stupid. Ultimately DW sided with me and we had a long talk about this, where she admitted she fucked up and was worried I would leave her over this. I didn't leave her. But I felt very much the same way as she did, that she might leave me over this.

We took the next few days while we were pet sitting to come together and create a United front. We contacted UIL3 about leaking information and find out that he did not do it, but SIL (DW's brothers wife) did. Apparently she had overheard us and run off to tell MIL after we left.

In the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas things were tense at MIL's. I walked on eggshells and avoided her as much as I possibly could. One night, just before Christmas eve, she informed us that we had BOTH been invited to Christmas eve, and she clearly wasn't happy about that. She demanded that this time I keep our relationship secret again as well as my "history" and gender identity. She made shots at me, claiming I was an inattentive partner for DW and that things clearly were not equal between us because she only ever saw DW comfort me. (DW would only vent to me when her mother wasn't around because MIL would invariably jump in and say something to make DW feel like shit, like it was her fault, or that she was overreacting orinsinuated she was not telling the whole truth) DW kept mostly silent, but we shared a look. She was pissed, as was I. Then MIL dropped this:

"Everytime someone says something you bring it back to yourself, and that is really selfish and narcissistic behavior. I'm concerned about how selfish you're being with DW." What she was describing is instances where I would say, for example, "I've been in some pretty bad car accidents too, so I can understand where you are coming from" or "I know if I was dealing with x y and z I would be really upset too". Empathy. She was describing empathy as selfish and narcissistic.

This caused me to start crying, because what she said hurt and because I was furious. My family always told me growing up that I was a selfish little shit for everything. I had to respect everyone else and not demand any in return, or I was selfish. She knew this. She knew I had called my mother a narcissist.

Instead of addressing my MIL directly I addressed DW and asked her as calmly as I could if she felt that way too. Was I being a burden on her and being selfish in our relationship?

Nope. DW decided right then and there to shine up her spine. She told me and her mother, how much that wasn't true. That I helped her far more than MIL saw because she would rely on me in private. She told MIL that she didn't feel comfortable being vulnerable around her because of how she reacts to everything. MIL shut the fuck up about that.

Still, she made us promise to keep my secrets, even though I see no reason to. She also threatened that it would tear the family apart if I did share my secret, much like it had torn apart my family.

The Christmas eve party was wonderful. We ended up doing a gift exchange thing and it was really really fun. I walked away with a Mench on a Bench. DW got a confetti gun. While I was hugging DW's grandmother (who absoluyely adores me!) She whispered "You two are so cute together, Im so glad she has someone as wonderful as you." (I was shocked, but happy). We spent a lot of time with cousin 1 and 2, both of which are just as nerdy as we are, and cousin 1's husband. DW and I agreed to tell cousin 1 and her husband as well as cousin 2 about what had happened after Thanksgiving. They were PISSED at MIL and vowed to always specifically invite the both of us separately (And they have!). They were also extremely supportive, if extremely surprised, over me being a trans woman. They were not surprised at all that we're a couple, but congratulated us on our engagement. They told us that no one in the family would side with MIL over this shit. I also told them about what GMIL had said to me, and we all laughed over it. Clearly the old woman isn't as stupid as MIL believes.

This time no information got out, and DW and I quickly found an apartment to move into after New Year's that is closer to both our jobs, but still close enough to visit MIL.

Since then MIL has not done anything more than BEC and has decided she no longer hates me on her own. Whatever. I still don't trust my MIL as far as i can throw her.