This is probably the least dramatic, most anticlimactic post I am ever going to make here, but I feel like I need someone to tell me it's okay and the world's not going to end after the disaster that just happened. Shit, this is more of an "I fucked up oh god what do I do" story than a "here's something horrible my mom did to me" story, so is this even allowed here? If not, let me know and I'll remove it.

Let's start from the beginning: last night, as I was playing video games in my room, Old Yeller texted me asking if I wanted to do something tomorrow (today). Immediately I thought nope, no, stay the fuck away from me, I want no part in this. But I was terrified to tell her no and piss her off, so I gave her so many wishy-washy noncommittal answers. She wanted to take me out to lunch anywhere I wanted, and said we could figure it out when she got home in the morning. The mere thought of going out someplace alone with her already had me skittish and fearful, but I was pretty sure I had just gotten myself roped into this and there was no turning back.

When I got up today she cheerfully asked if I still wanted to go out. "Yeah, we can if you want, it's up to you," I said, looking everywhere in the room but at her. She gave me a sad/sympathetic smile and went "You don't look like you're feeling up to it, you want to do something else together instead?" I really, really should have taken this out, but I did not. I figured this was my best chance to go out and eat a whole meal that wasn't the same shit I eat all the time, so I stubbornly persisted. I also assumed she was just bent on doing something together so I decided it might as well be going out to lunch so I can actually eat.

So we go out to a fast food joint of my choosing (she wanted me to pick for some reason), and things go fine until I offhandedly mention having a therapy appointment yesterday. She then asks the worst possible question: "What are you going to therapy for?"

Guys, I should have lied. I should have said it was no big deal and changed the subject. But no, my internal "you asked, here's your answer" protocol kicked in and I went "Anxiety issues."

"Anything that I might have caused?" she asks.

Again I shoved my foot directly into my mouth and went "You don't want the answer to that question."

She took it as a yes, of course, because that kind of answer is just a roundabout way of saying yes, and we ended up kind-of-sort-of talking about this whole mess. I fucking admitted that I had been terrified when she extended the invitation to me. She asked if we were ever going to have a relationship or if we were just going to be polite strangers, and I fucking shot myself in the foot and said I don't really know and that right now I don't know if I can ever forgive her. Perceptive as she can be sometimes, she went "when you're done with school, you're just gone, aren't you?" and I stupidly confessed that yes, for the time being I hadn't planned to stay in contact after I left (whenever that happens).

Nothing horrible even actually happened, but it became more and more clear on her face the more we talked that I was hurting her. I even apologized multiple times for this conversation, saying it must be hard for her and that I was probably ruining her mother's day. But she kind of brushed it off like it wasn't a big deal, so I kept freaking going until I had almost gotten all the way up to my damn knee.

Finally the pain on her face got through my thick skull and I went "maybe we should just forget this conversation ever happened, I don't think either of us are ready to deal with it yet." And all she did was nod in agreement. From there we were both a lot less talkative and I could sense the sudden distance between us. The drive home was quiet.

She didn't yell at me.

Nothing terrible happened.

And I still feel like I seriously fucked up. I feel like I should not have said anything about any of that and just avoided the subject so we could maybe have a nice lunch together. I feel like I just fucking crushed her and it's my fault and I need to fix it, but I also wonder if that's part of the old programming kicking in and making me feel like I'm responsible for managing her emotions (given that she used to take them out on me all the time).

I don't know what to do. Am I just freaking out over nothing? A trusted family member I was texting on the way home about all this said that I told her a truth I needed to say and that I didn't necessarily fuck up, and that she's an adult and can feel her own feelings. So is this not as big a deal as it feels like? How am I supposed to act around her now? We live in the same house but for a while I've just been avoiding her, and she knows that now. I feel like our interactions are just going to be so awkward now that some more of this shit is out in the open. And now that she knows, there is no un-knowing. Sure, I told her to forget we ever had that conversation but I feel like what I said is still going to weigh on her.

What, if anything, should I do? Calm down and realize this isn't the end of the world? Try to apologize? Start trying to build a relationship? Just forget it ever happened like I'd suggested to her? Remove this post and go seek advice somewhere else?

I have no idea. I feel like I just took what fragile sort of "peace" or coexistence we had (even if it meant me avoiding her and staying out of each other's way) and shattered it.