This is a story about the one (and only) time that my parents asked me to arbitrate a dispute that...occurred...between the two of them. As always, Empty Ellie is really the star of this absurdity, though my dad also does a fabulous job of being a total idiot.

To set the scene, I'm going to mention a few things that I don't think I've mentioned before. My dad is a highly functioning alcoholic. I assume he's on the Autism spectrum, because of his many Aspie-traits. When he knows something, he knows it. For instance, if you asked him how many and what kind of tank was present at any battle in either World War, my dad would know the answer to that. He's obsessed with both World Wars, and the Korean War. He's also horrible with social cues, and either talks way to much, or pretty much won't talk at all (depends on if you ask him something like say, a question about a World War). He hums at weird times (like at a party, he might be humming and slightly bopping to his own beat). He's also always been incredibly emotionally distant to everybody.

He's a very nice guy, and hasn't been the most horrible father to have, but he's also not been...great. He generally has no idea what to do with Empty Ellie. I really wonder what inspired the two of them to get married on a regular basis.

My dad also does a huge amount of the maintenance of their home. Because he used to work in construction, he knows a lot of the ins and outs of having a home and managing a home and home repairs. Everything from flooring to roofing to basic plumbing and electrical. He has a very good sense of what he can handle, and what he needs to farm out to someone with my knowledge than him. He's always been VERY hands on about maintaining my parent's home.

Oh, and the last thing. He hates throwing things away unless they're totally destroyed. He is very handy at fixing household items, but when it comes to clothing, he will not throw it away until it is literally more holes than cloth. Empty Ellie typically cuts up his shirts when they start to get holed up, otherwise, he continues to wear them, sometimes in public, and he looks genuinely homeless (this is one of the places where I do understand her losing her shit. My dad not understanding that wearing a shirt to to go shopping that has HUGE holes about it is really frustrating. He often pairs it with another holey shirt that has holes in different places).

So. That's my dad.

On the day in question, Empty Ellie called me, yelling that my dad was crazy, and that she was tired of his shit, and that they needed my help, because they had hit a detente. I can hear my dad faintly yelling in the background that Empty Ellie is crazy, and that she's really lost it this time.

Above my dad's yells, Empty Ellie asks if I can please tell them who is right and who is wrong?

I'm at work, but it's slow, and I'm bored, and what the hell. Sure. I'll sort this out.

It turns out that the problem in question was that Empty Ellie wanted to mow the lawn. My dad wanted to inspect the roof of our 2 1/2 story house. As dad was (at the time of this story) in his 60s, Empty Ellie said that she'd help him inspect the roof by holding the ladder once she was done mowing the lawn. She didn't want him to do it without a spotter (I totally agree with this part, btw. EE is totally in the right). Dad agrees and goes to putter in the garage while Empty Ellie mows the lawn.

Except that he didn't. He decided he didn't need no stinking spotter, and EE is mowing the front of the lawn, so he goes around the back and sets up the ladder on the side of the house, past a part of the house that sticks out a little, so EE can't see what he's up to. He goes up to the (somewhat steeply pitched roof), crawls around there inspecting, and then kicks the ladders down by accident when getting off the roof and nearly falls.

So he's now stuck on a roof that you have to kind of hug a little to stay on. He has no ladder, and EE is mowing the front lawn and can't here a damn thing. There he stays, for something like 20 mins.

Once EE is done mowing though, she hears him yelling. Comes and finds him, and is furious. Honestly, again, I'm with her on this one. This is a pure moron move that my dad made, and he does stupid shit like this all time. He's probably going to kill himself one day in an idiot, easily-preventable accident, and I'm not joking when I say this. I love the man, but he can really be dumb.

Anyways, EE is pissed. When she takes a good look at him, she's even more pissed. Why, you ask? Well, remember the thing I said about him hating to throw things away? Apparently, he's up there wearing a pair of sneakers that are more holes than shoe, with totally rubbed down soles. They're so holed up that his big toe is sticking out the side of one shoe. It's like he's begging to take a header off the roof.

Again, I get why EE is pissed. I do. I was too, hearing this.

However, EE's way of handling this is...just insane. She refuses to give back the ladder. She will not set the ladder back up to get him down until he swears by the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit that he will give her those shoes to throw away as soon as he steps foot off the ladder AND that he won't try to find them and take them back after he gives them to her (he's famous for this). She insists of this particular promise because if he just says "I promise" he won't give the shoes to her.

At the point which she called me, they'd been having a screaming fight about this for...a good while, to judge by the hoarseness of both their voices. Why the neighbors didn't call the cops is beyond me, but I assume it's because they were laughing their asses off.

So. EE wants to know who is right and who is wrong.

Obviously, there's more than enough right and wrong here to go around. Which is why I tell her. Dad was wrong to go up on the ladder by himself. He was even more wrong to go up the ladder onto the roof by himself in shitty sneakers. However, Dad's been holding on to the roof for probably 45 minutes now, and EE was wrong to withhold that ladder for a second. Dad is old and needs to get down. Dad also needs to surrender the shitty sneakers immediately. Dad needs to swear on the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit that he will both surrender the sneakers AND that he will not save them later. However, whether he does that or not, he needs to get off the roof RIGHT NOW. At one point, when I'm near-yelling "GIVE HIM THE GODDAMN LADDER SO HE CAN GET DOWN RIGHT NOW", she says, and I quote (never gonna forget this one) "He just doesn't listen to me until he's in mortal danger".

/headdesk. I tell her "Seriously, set the ladder back up, or I will hang up on you to call 911." That finally gets her moving.

So Empty Ellie set the ladder back up. Dad got down. Dad handed over the sneakers because I continued to guilt trip him while on speaker phone. Empty Ellie got the sneakers and (dad told me this after he returned to the phone) sprinted off with them like she was going in the house, faked around to the back of the house, and while dad was looking for her, fired up the wood chipper and pitched them in.

In the end, EE was satisfied, dad was pissed, and I was more convinced than ever that they are both nuts each in their own separate little ways, though at least Dad is generally just dangerous to himself, whereas EE is dangerous to anybody who needs a ladder.

edited for formatting