Or, we could call it "Never expect an old bitch to learn new tricks"

So, I got married yesterday. My partner and I are poly, so this wasn't entirely a happy thing, nor it was something we wanted to make a big deal about. We mainly got married because my health insurance is far better than his, and costs far less money. I'm cutting & pasting something I wrote elsewhere that sums up a lot of our feelings:

This isn't a joyous occasion for us. Or rather, it's not 100% joyous. I make...at a minimum 40% more than my partner. In a really good year, I make more than double what he makes. Knowing that my possibly untimely death will allow him to inherit more of my money (and have less of it go to the government) makes me happy. Knowing he's going to be able to just go to the doctor when he has a problem makes me happy. Knowing that he can get his vision checked for the first time in 10 years makes me ecstatic.

Knowing this sets up a parameter that encourages him to be valued above any other partner I have in the eyes of society and the law breaks my heart. We both fear our families valuing other partners as lesser, no matter what. Frankly (and this may piss some people off, but honestly, zero shits given), we don't want to be viewed as one of "those couples", the ones that will shit on other relationships and offload emotional labor and risk onto newer people under the guise of "protecting our relationship" (which we won't ever do, but being married makes it likelier for us to be viewed that way).

To get married, we got 4 friends, and went to city call. 4 so that we'd have two witnesses, and then also have two people to take photos and video the ceremony, in case we decide in a few years that we actually care about that.

We specifically wanted no parents. No parents, no fancy meal afterwards, no huge deal, no speeches, no limo, no stress. Just city hall, then beer & crab legs afterwards.

Partner told his parents a few weeks ago. They weren't thrilled by our decision, but they took the time and made the effort to understand where we were coming from, and ended it with "even if we don't totally get it, we do love you both and support you, and we're really happy for you"

Did Empty Ellie do anything of this? Oooooooh no.

First off, I didn't tell her (and my dad) until Wednesday. Thank freaking heavens I wanted that long, because the first thing she said was "Well, if you'd have told us a day or two earlier, we could have come!". I said "It's not that big a deal, we just have a few friends coming, we don't want to do a big thing" to which she of course said "It doesn't matter what you want. I'm your mother, and I should be there".

Mostly, Wednesday wasn't bad. It wasn't until Thursday that she went apeshit. And boy oh boy did she ever. We had a FaceTime scheduled (to deal with things pertaining to the estate of my aunt who died a month ago), and she let loose on that.

First off, she told my whole family. I told her that I wanted to tell my aunts and 1st cousins. Did she respect that? No, of course not.

Then, of course, she riled up my aunt (her younger sister) and my cousin. So they were both upset for the FaceTime call, and joined in on letting me know that they weren't happy. Though they did wander off when things went from "expressing disappointment at your decision" to "telling you that you are wrong and mentally ill for making the decision that you're making".

Which, of course, was the main highlight, how wrong partner and I are. But first we had to get the "fun" stuff out of the way. The things like how awful it was that I wasn't getting my hair and make up professionally done. That my dress wasn't a "real" wedding dress. How I wasn't getting a "real" photographer. How it was all just so...blase.

How we screwed my family out of a marriage (her exact words). How we obviously don't understand the enormous significance of the commitment we're making. How not having a full, huge wedding is just plain WRONG (Empty Ellie's wedding had 350 people. Literally the ENTIRE VILLAGE that she grew up in was invited). How we are wrong, totally wrong, our thinking is wrong, and we obviously need to just THINK MORE ABOUT OUR DECISIONS and then report back to her. Including partner. She expects to be having a talk with partner at some point in the future about this debacle (when I told partner, he smiled the ugliest smile I've ever seen him have, and just said "bring it", sooooooo...someday there may be a "Why Empty Ellie and Partner have NC forever and ever" post).

Now, my plan going into this shitshow was to give her time to express sadness and some level of anger, because I get that my choice can be upsetting to the parents, and that as long as it stayed civil, we could have some of that, before moving on. Honestly, it went ugly so fast that I was really taken aback. Which is funny, because I'm the first fucking person here to say that Assholes are gonna asshole as much as you'll let them, and that I don't believe people who have BPD ever really change.

So why the fuck did I expect her to stay "clean" about this?

Answer: I had this temporary belief that since she'd been good for some years, there was genuine improvement.

Nope. Nope, nope, nope. She just behaves better because it's all I'll accept. And her reaction was such a punch in the guts that I got sad and weepy instead of pissed and in her fucking face.

Well, until the end.

When we hit the point where she started talking about how irrevocable our decision was (yes, she's Catholic) and how we'd have to live with it for the rest of our lives, I had a brilliant idea. I said to her:

Maybe this will get it through your head why this isn't a huge deal to us. We are still polyamorous. If one of us falls in love with someone who has shit health insurance and gets sick, we will divorce so the person with better health insurance can marry the sick person and help take care of them. This will not change the way we feel about one another. This will not change ANYTHING except that the person who needs it the most will get health insurance

At that, she shrieked "WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!" like a fucking banshee and then STFU. I think in part because she mostly likes to pretend I'm not poly around my family, and although they know, talking about it in front of them is just too much for her.

Huh, maybe I should have mentioned that partner and I had our first threesome last weekend, about four days before we got married (it was awesome). That'll shut her mouth.

Yesterday, she texted me throughout the day about various things I need to do about my aunt's estate. Today, we talked a bit, and she was a frosty cunt on the phone, and also pointedly described how her yesterday went, without saying a word about mine.

So. What should I do? I'd really love to not talk to her for...well, at this point, the rest of my life. There are still some things with my aunt's estate that must be hammered out. So that's not totally an option.

The rest of my family generally gives zero shits about my feelings right now, because they're all hurt that I got married without them.

I think the thing that bugs me the most is that this threw me for enough of a loop that it really fucking hurts. That little girl inside of me is crying because Mommy is never going to love me as much as she loves getting her own way. Despite the fact that I explained to her that not only do we not WANT to make a big deal of this, Partner and I both came close to actual panic attacks when considering having a full wedding, none of that matters, because it's not what she wanted. So now she's hurt, and that's the only important thing.

Man, fuck her with a bag of dicks. I think when my aunt's estate gets settled, I may just do VLC for however long it takes for me to feel better. It's really shitty that I'm thinking this, but a part of me says "if she died in the next few months, I would just be relieved". I feel that bad right now.