So, Empty Ellie has been shit about dying for years. As long as I've known her, really.

For animals, she will start crying hysterically and basically ignoring the dying animal. One of our cats died naturally, after being in pain far longer than it should have been, because she wouldn't open the bathroom door and take the damn cat to the vet to be euthanized. My dad takes care of this now, but Empty Ellie has also done things like with another cat, that had kidney failure, and the vet called to tell my parents and say that they have the cat stabilized, so my mom & dad could come say goodbye, and Empty Ellie said "no, that's OK, you can just put the cat to sleep and my husband will come pick up the body to bury". And this is a beloved pet for years. But you know, being there when the cat dies would be too stressful to her, so Empty Ellie is just noping out of that.

My aunt is dying now. Empty Ellie's oldest sister. I have some complicated feelings about my family, mainly because they knew that things were not great, and possibly bad, when I was growing up (in a hoarder home to a mom who probably has BPD) and they decided that it was probably "ok enough" so they didn't really ask Empty Ellie any questions or believe me when I tried to talk to them about how bad it was - that was me being "dramatic". They're not bad people, but I'd say, as a family, that they were rather negligent towards me with Empty Ellie. Between that and living a couple of hundred miles away, we're not close.

That said, I would like to see my aunt before she dies. This weekend, she abruptly took a turn for the much worse (she'd been sick with some chronic conditions for awhile, but stable, and seemed to have at least a year or two left). My cousin texted to tell me, and I called Empty Ellie for more details and also to talk about when I should come home. This is the conversation we had.

me: I think I'm going to try to come home Tuesday or Wed, if she's still really bad, or Thursday or Friday, if she stabilizes again.  

Empty Ellie: But why are you coming? She's probably going to die in a week or two.  

me: Right, she's going to die, and I'd like to see her before she dies.  

Empty Ellie: But why?  

me: to say goodbye?  

Empty Ellie: But what if she dies right after you leave?  

me: Then I'll come back for the funeral.  

Empty Ellie: Won't that be inconvenient?  

me: I'll figure it out.  

Empty Ellie: Ok, I know you will. I just don't want it to be too bothersome or anything.

Empty Ellie straight up doesn't understand me wanting to see my aunt. She's not trying to be shitty or anything, she just doesn't really understand the point. What she does understand (and this theory is based on every other funeral I've gone to as an adult) is that she really wants me to be at the funeral, because the funeral is where she can brag to the whole family about how successful I am (complete with gross exaggerations of reality), and talk about how the deceased person was so proud of me, and how they talked about my accomplishments all the time, and what comfort those accomplishments gave the deceased.

It makes my brain hurt a little bit. And it's frustrating, knowing that my mom has zero empathy in this way, and it's not worth trying to explain, because her brain straight up will not understand it. But I'll navigate it, because I have just enough love and fond memories of the rest of my family to make it important to come and be with them and see my aunt one last time.