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27 male. I have my own car, my own bank, credit cards, etc. I am independent from my parents in all ways except that I still live with them. It is partially due to finances being tight, but also because my mother does not want me to leave.
A little backstory: my parents have a shit-tier relationship. Aka a relationshit. Iāve witnessed it from when I was a child. The fighting and screaming and yellingāhorrible for a kid. With this, I replaced my father as her emotional support. Thatās a lot of baggage for a kid. That hasnāt stopped. At 27, she is still begging for my support (Iāll come back to this).
When I tried to move a year ago, my mother had a meltdown. And I mean that. She was groveling, on her knees and screaming, āPLEASE, I NEED YOU!ā Holy shit?? That was an awkward day. But, to my dismay, I couldnāt move out. Financial reasons.
So, my mother and her constant need for āsupportā. When ever they fought, Iād have to lay in the bed next to my mom while she cried and talked about how horrible of a man he was. And then as I grew older, and their relationship got worse, he became even worse in my momās eyes. So, once again, I had to listen while she said she was in a loveless, sexless marriage while we held hands and watching TV. I hated every second of it.
Why donāt you just tell her you hate doing this and it makes you feel weird?
Fantastic question. Every time Iāve said so, it was met with my mother screamingāso loud and long she gave her self headachesāand then pouting for days until I renounced my wicked ways. Seriously. Sheās a nut bag of a Christian and thinks everything is spiritual. Satan sent my girlfriend apparently and sheās trying to ruin the ministry God gave me. Well goddamn, Satan!
Thanks for reading this far. I cringed multiple times while writing, so no biggie fam.
TLDR; Iām wanting to know if Iām being a jerk about spending time with my mother or if itās actually as weird as I think.
Edit 1: Thank you all so much for the kind words! Itās a strange situation and I feel bad for being disgusted by my mother due to this. So many of you have suggested I set firm boundaries. I 100% agree. However, even the smallest boundaries start a blowup. And you know I got examples.
My mother has not let go of washing my clothes (IM 27!!!) and refuses to let me do them myself. When I told her I would take care of them, she told me since she has such a small amount of her own, she needs mine to make a wash worth the money. Well, I took my laundry basket from the garage, and moved it as far away from the washing machine as possible. She wonāt stop asking me to do my clothes and when I tell her no she gets offended and mad and says Iām controlling and being cruel. And of course, lots of yelling.
Edit 2: Popping in again to thank everyone for the advice. Iām at a loss for words over the kind words and genuine care in the comments. I appreciate it more than you know.
The overwhelming consensus is for me to rip the bandaid off and dip. Iām currently looking for a job out of state so I can leave and have a good reason for doing so. Iām not sure what will come from it, but that is my plan.
Also, boundaries. Mine suck. I know that. I have set them up but she consistently bulldozes them. I have gotten better, but the moment the yelling and threats come out I back down.
Per the advice of all the kind strangers on the post, Iāll set firmer boundaries. If my mother has a meltdown Iāll remove myself from the situation and remain observational instead of reactional. Thankfully Iāve gotten pretty good at grey rocking soš
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