Update:

After the gender reveal, DH wanted to talk to his dad one on one about it but I stopped him from doing so. the reason I gave him was we've said enough & he's the one not understanding it & he's the one who needs to want to talk about this with both of us in person. Every time DH tries to talk to FIL (usually the very next day), he walks away mid conversation or tells DH he's not in the mood to have that conversation. THis time FIL did't hear from DH so he decided to invite DH to have lunch with him & tried to get only enough info out of him to see if DH was really seriously upset this time or is this the same thing as always where he's upset for a day or two & then forgives & forgets until something else happens.

DH took my advice & decided to tell his dad that he doesn't want to talk about anything unless he wants to sit down with both of us & have a talk but he did say that he needs to understand one thing we'll not be around Dan.

Yesterday we heard from SIL (who lives away in another state), FIL usually makes a trip to her on her birthday (which is next month) every year but he decided to pay for her to make a trip to him to celebrate her 31st birthday this year. She said the reason he gave her was that he doesn't want to leave the other daughter (18 years old) by herself coz he doesn't trust her anymore. Before this whenever he went out of town whether for a day or more, younger daughter stayed with DH & I, she never really was allowed to be by herself at FIL's house so I don't know where this is coming from but then the next piece will made it clear why he made this excuse.

He's doing a BBQ at home for his older daughter where he's inviting Dan & family. He didn't mention any of this to us instead he made his older daughter call DH yesterday & tell him Dan is going to be part of it since it's happening at FIL's house. What are we planning on doing? I over heard DH say we'll make an appearance but we have every right to not stay there if we don't want to. If dad can walk out on us so can we but we are respectful we'll go there for a little bit. you can come spend time with us or we can take you out for lunch or dinner but we won't be around Dan. She tried to push the issue how Dan's been a friend for 20 years, to which DH said well things are different now after 20 years & don't try to push something you don't understand & are not part of. you live far away it's easier for you to pretend to be okay with it once or twice a year that you are here. She asked DH if Dan sat down & had a conversation with DH & apologized whatever DH is upset about will he drop it then. DH's reply to that was that she clearly doesn't understand anything. She's looking at it from the same prospective as their dad which is sad on her part coz Dan also disrespected her on many occasions. He then refused to have a further discussion with her on that. Later DH expressed to me that his older sister is materialistic & he'd never expect her to support the truth in this case even if she sees it coz she's going to be where the money is. Another purpose of this trip is for her to take more of their mother's jewelry that she didn't get to take when the last time she was here for MIL's funeral. she put in a request for that herself. Apart from the birthday conversation she's also only trying to convince DH to drop the whole issue & be okay with Dan & thinking once that's done i'll have to just go with whatever DH decides even. I've never felt so enraged about things in life but I'm also 5 months pregnant but I'm just baffled to learn how clueless my SIL is when it comes to her realizing her brother is married & DH & I have a different relationship. DH doesn't make decisions for me or my behalf (vice versa). Am I overthinking this now or is she really thinking she can change her brother's mind & i'll have no choice but to follow him.

Original Post:

Currently 5 months pregnant. 6 of us (3 friends, FIL, DH and I) gathered for gender reveal..FIL announced my pregnancy to everyone on social media when I first found out I was pregnant before DH & I had the chance to share it ourselves so we made it a point to respectfully tell FIL to not share anything on social media just yet. Anyhow, FIL's bff (whom I mentioned in my previous posts) has been bitter coz DH & I are having a baby was not invited ( His name is Dan, he's not only the worst friend in the world but not the kind of man one would want around family especially minor girls and I'm having a daughter. if you are curious why I said that refer to my previous posts) Dan wasn't there when the little party was planned & I made it clear he wasn't welcome to my house or any of my events. FIL told DH that he doesn't see any faults in his friend, whatever grudges I'm holding against him I need to let go & forgive him. DH suggested FIL & I should have a heart to heart & figure out how to fix this problem. FIL agreed but DH put a condition in place that until we communicate Dan wasn't welcome to Family ONLY meals or upcoming events (gender reveal) which should be family ONLY anyways. He also made a suggestion to his dad that he should keep his friend separate from family coz clearly the man doesn't know how to be respectful. we are tired of his behavior and no longer want the drama now that we are about to be parents of a daughter ourselves (my idea that DH fully agrees with). FIL agreed but later on the evening of our planned gathering, Dan showed up. At this point we were done with the main event we were just hanging out (6 of us). I was angry as soon as I saw Dan. I didn't want to say anything disrespectful to this disrespectful man so I decided to excuse myself for a few minutes to prepare myself to go through the rest of the evening. Now this is the same man (Dan) who called me names just to get a rise out of DH at a time when DH was a mess due to the loss of his dear mother, ruined every event with his drama coz he can't handle alcohol, made bitter remarks about my unborn child as soon as he found out I'm pregnant & threw a fit like a darn child. Needless to say I was fuming at the sight of him. Guess what FIL decided to not respect my wishes & invited his friend to my event. When he saw me walk away angry he left right away with his friend & said in a text message to one of the friends present at the gender reveal that it's his life no body gets to tell him what to do but wait a minute his life is his but ours are not ours. Don't we have the choice to say we don't want this person around on "our" events. Why can't he just stop making everything about himself. He deserves respect from us but do we not deserve respect back from him. All of this already happened but I want to stand my ground that we don't want anything to do with Dan. FIL can hang out with his friend all day every day but he's not welcome when it's family ONLY events. DH agrees 100% but FIL's behavior is making me worried. this is going to take a toll on DH & FIL's relationship. This is really stressing me out. I can't sleep & can't stop wondering if I'm doing the right thing.