(Just an old story)

So today has been hard for me. Struggling with a lot of hurt feelings. I have been talking to SO about where a lot of my feelings come from.

This is based off of me expressing that I always feel 100% less attractive, appealing than I actually am. That I feel fat and lazy most of the time. I’m bigger but by no means am I lazy. I have a lot of anxiety so I struggle to slow down and even sit clear into the late evening/night. The real reason I worked 2-3 jobs at a time. Any time I allowed myself I didn’t “earn” or deserve. Really everything, from eat a meal to allowing myself a sleep window larger than 7 hours.

This conversation brought this memory back:

So long story: when I was between 8-12 I’m guessing. We were having dinner. A dinner I didn’t care for, so I had my eyes on the mashed potatoes because they were the only thing I liked in the meal. I was set to be last to get the mashed potatoes because once the meal prayer was over the items on the table were past to the left. They had started at Brother’s plate next to me so I’d have to wait till he, InsaneSis, EverTheVictim and dad had taken then portion. My dad got the potatoes I had nothing on my plate and he scraped the bowl, clearing them all. I remember trying to talk to him but beginning to cry. And he began to yell at me over them and how over the top I was being over potatoes and he indignantly threw them from his plate to mine. I HAD to eat them all, while being yelled at about it and trying “suck up” my crying.

So this is a red flag from my childhood.