After the events with my mother, my grandparents, the subsequent feelings of guilt and betrayal, I came here to work through that. Often while the events were in full swing, sometimes while I was trying to process all those feelings and get to a happier, healthier place.

Thank you to this sub, and subs like it. Thanks to this sub I know I don't have to keep giving chances to people just "because their faaaaaamily!", and I'm entitled to a life without their toxicity.

I got a new phone recently, a new number, and all that comes with that. I had to decide if I would keep the app that I used to communicate with my grandfather, get a new spoofed number, and send him a text letting him know my number had changed.

Ultimately I decided the answer was No.

After all that I have been through with them, from the stories I have shared here to those that I have not, it's clear to us (DW and myself) that they will not change. They choose not to respect others, they choose to put the burdens of the relationship on others, and they do not wish to change.

They have lost a daughter, a granddaughter, and a sister. Not because of death or worse, but because they chose to mistreat her and leave all the responsibility for their actions on her.

I do not have to put up with that. Even if they say they are sorry they don't understand what they are apologizing for, and cannot name it no matter how many times they have clearly been told, and that makes those apologies meaningless. They become things to say to get their way; things to say to make things go back to the way they were.

Apologies take responsibility, not push it onto the ones being hurt.

Apologies should come with an intent to change.

The problem is that my Family of Birth can apologize, but have no intent or responsibility behind it. They apologize for all the wrong things. "I'm sorry I didn't realize that you aren't going back to the way I want you to be" is not an apology. It's not even a start. It's a placating statement that is really a subtle shift of blame. It's not even the reason I went NC. No apologies for crossing boundaries; no apologies for enabling my abusers; feigned shock at being confronted with the truth and trying to shift the conversation away from the real problems so that they don't have to acknowledge or deal with them.

It's OK to decide that what someone is offering is too little. It is OK to discern that they will not change. It is OK to let those relationships go, to move on. It's OK to feel relieved when they can no longer reach you. It's Ok to set boundaries and consequences for breaking them.

Thanks to this sub that is no longer a list I have memorized but can't quite believe.

I'm sorry if this became a little incoherent, I did try to make sure it was cohesive.