I went with the advice of a user to get an app to create a phone number for me to text/call my grandfather.

I told him today, by text because I just didn't have the strength for a call, that [my wife] and I had decided that Christmas is absolutely out of the question. But we decided that we can meet him for lunch sometime after Christmas, or even the new year.

For this I set some requirements:

1. No gifts

2. No giving out my number.

3. It must be him and only him.

He agreed to that, and also included "Please let me know how you want me to fit in your life". I can tell that he is trying here. It sounds to me like he really is understanding that they all fucked up, and that he is only getting this chance because I'm willing to give him a shot.

I haven't said anything else yet. Right now I know I know I need to include telling him that he cannot try and get me to talk to Buffalo Millie or anyone else. I know I need to tell him that we are going to need an apology for some things, and that he needs to state those things himself.

The two big things I'm looking for are respecting me (as a woman, as transgender, as a lesbian), and for rug sweeping and attempting to shift blame for my mothers actions. If I can't get those on his own I will tell him that those 2 things are what drove me away, and I will give him a chance to apologize for that. If he doesn't see what's wrong with that then we get up and leave. I won't tell him as much, but I will give him 1 month to think on it before offering another lunch or coffee meet up.

If anyone has any other advice, feel free to voice it. :) Thank you all for being so supportive and helping my wife and I navigate this.