My fiancee of 6.5 yrs M (59). I'm (50). Has been seeking, looking, finding and cheating on me I believe whole time. I find messages to so many women. And when I confront him I get told it's just a turn on to play with them through messages. Then when I confront them I hear oh yeah he has tried to have sex with me. Or yes gave him a BJ. He still denies it. I gave benefit of the doubt wanted to believe him so bad. I stayed . In last year I would work out of town and stay 3-4 days not coming home. He was playing house with another chick and her kids. Like as soon as I would leave she be pulling in shortly after. Evidence everywhere. Was always I'm sick, need serious meds, I'm crazy. Everybody was telling me that they were a couple. Never did I hear yes I'm sorry it happened. Or I want to be with her. I would of excepted anything. Other day I noticed someone named April texting him. His story I'm trying to buy something from her a surprise for you. Thinking BS. So Wednesday he leaves to take his friend up north cpl hours away kisses me tells me he loves me. I get one text saying made quick pit stop call you on next one 8 hours later still no response. I decided well maybe I will drive by his friends house and both there vehicles are there. His friend walks out not seeing me. Completely lied to me about where my fiancee is. I drove around the block and came right back. Now my fiancee walks out and starts screaming at me I have no right checking up on him. I lost that right when I started accusing him of cheating. So he doesn't come home I go back next day and he pulls up with chick in car. I said let me guess it's April. I'm told no it's my friend's daughter. When I asked his friend he said I don't know who she is. He hasn't came home since. Texts me once saying he loves me. Texts day later telling me he left money for me in his car. Since then he has blocked me on everything. I asked him for last year man up. But all I get are stupid unbelievable lies. I'm so confused if he wanted to be with her why couldn't he just tell me. Instead of mine games. Blame me for accusing but you are doing it.
Can't even have the balls to tell me anything. I literally get a kiss I love you be back. And he is to a new life. I feel like I'm shit to him. I know now he didn't love me. You wouldn't do that to someone if you do. And ghosting blocking me I just don't understand. So for days now I feel so stupid I just keep waiting and watching out window praying he will return even though I am at point I don't want him back. So why am I still waiting, wondering, crying. Not like I didn't really know this was happening. Just didn't expect all this. Can't sleep,can't eat walking around like I'm lost. Please help me with any advice. Or help me understand what happened