Fair warning, long ass post.

So back in 2015 I had my first child through IUI, and I slowly lost all the feelings of jealousy and bitterness that infertility caused me. It was wonderful, I was happy with my daughter and if we decided to have another child I knew what worked for me and if it didn’t happen then I would still have my little family. No pressure, just perfect.

So last October we decided to try again. The first cycle didn’t take because I didn’t respond well to the dosage. No problem, cycle 2 we would just up the dosage a bit. Well it worked, just a little bit too well. I was pregnant with triplets and had OHSS pretty bad. I was miserable. I did not want triplets but it just felt wrong to want a reduction because I had actively tried for a child. We went back and forth on what to do and finally decided we would reduce one. Had to drive 4 hours to the doctor who would actually do a reduction only to find that we couldn’t get it done when we were hoping to do it because of the positioning of my uterus and ovaries so I had to wait until 14 weeks. I was in this weird limbo for the longest time because there were three but everyone thought there were two and would joke that “at least it’s not triplets!” Finally had it done and it was the most emotionally painful thing I had ever gone through.

Fast forward 6 weeks and we find out that we are having one of each and that my cervix is borderline on the length so come back in 2 weeks and check the length. At 22 weeks, I go in and my cervix is MUCH shorter. From 3cm to 1.5, so bedrest it is! I was on bedrest for a week and my dr calls me in to get steroid shots just in case and does a quick ultrasound just to check my cervix. Uh oh, my cervix length was completely gone and I was 1cm dilated so at 23 1 I was admitted to the hospital. Everyone acted as if I had been in labor and just didn’t tell anyone, but I really felt like I wasn’t in labor. In fact kept insisting that I hadn’t been in labor for the next 5 weeks of hospital bedrest.

My doctors were actually considering sending me home because I had a relatively easy stay with no pain and very few contractions. On March 24, I went to the restroom and there was just the slightest bit of pink on the paper. The nurse said to wait and see if there was more blood the next time I went to the restroom. There was and about that same time, I started having contractions so I let the nurses know. The on call dr decided to send me to L&D to have me checked out as we had not been able to see my cervix on ultrasound since I had first been admitted. I was finally manually checked by the dr and her eyes got big in surprise and announced that I was 8 cm dilated and that I would be having an emergency c section within the hour. It had been about 13 hours since I had taken my blood thinner and was given the choice of an epidural which could be dangerous for me or general anesthesia which would be more dangerous for the babies, so epidural it was. After they finally got me set up with the epidural, I realized that the dr who had initially done the selective reduction had been clear that we needed to tell my dr about the third and this was a dr who wasn’t aware of the reduction. So I hysterically told the anesthesiologist that I needed to speak to the surgeon and he said that he could relay the message if I wanted him to. Thankfully he was sensitive to it and passed the message quietly to her and didn’t announce it to the whole room.

At 10:56 and 10:58 my babies were born at 28 5 weighing 2lbs 11oz and 3lbs 1oz. Luckily we have had a relatively easy stay so far in the NICU but I am having a harder time of it.

Because of the stress of everything, I had a cold sore break out that was the worst I have ever had and couldn’t hold my babies. My husband got to hold them 3 days before I did and I couldn’t help the feelings of resentment although I feel like I didn’t take it out on him. Now my best friend is 36 weeks along and both of my sister in laws are currently 31 and 34 weeks pregnant and I am so jealous and bitter. I haven’t had feelings like this since before I got pregnant with my first. This was my last pregnancy and I keep feeling like everything is getting taken from me. My head knows that I am being irrational, but I just can’t help but feel like I went through a hugely traumatic pregnancy and I didn’t even get babies out of it. I even feel resentful that I didn’t get to labor. I was mildly uncomfortable for an hour or two and then they took my babies and I feel empty. People kept telling me congratulations, but I actively feared for my children’s lives and they were acting like it was a good thing that my babies were born 9 weeks earlier than planned. I feel more ok now that they are in a better place but I just felt like I was going crazy and I had to hide it because people MEANT well.

Sorry this was so long, I just had to write it down somewhere where I wouldn’t feel judged.