The first role of sex is for affirmation, an acknowledgement of the bond between two people. This may be an affirmation of a woman’s love for her husband. Affirmatory sex is essential for a marriage as it provides a reminder that the husband is important and an absolutely essential part of the wife’s emotional needs. This also benefits communication with a deeper level of emotional connection that can boost willingness to communicate openly and intimately. A sexual connection also subconsciously reminds the man to provide resources to support the woman, this can be time, or even money and gifts. While an emotional sexual bond will not be the lust filled passions of a novel intimate partner, it will be familiar, comfortable and even routine which doesn’t need to be a bad thing. Sex in support of an emotional bond is like keeping gas in the tank or air in the tires, you won’t be speeding around the race track but it will get you to work and back.

While my husband wants more frequent sex, I need more from sex. Sexual variety does far more for me than sexual consistency. While statements like “you are not enough” or “I deserve more” may seem very hurtful, it doesn’t need to be so. The conversation isn’t about him being any less than someone else; it is about him as and emotional rock and my safe harbor. It isn’t just sexual variety; it is also newness. Women are more prone to neophilia (fancy word for desiring erotic newness) than men. Neophilia refers to a psychological trait characterized by a strong attraction to novelty, new experiences, and change. This trait is thought to be related to exploration and openness to new ideas and experiences. In terms of sexual behavior, neophilia can manifest as a preference for novel sexual partners or experiences. Newness and novelty-seeking is a trait that keeps you healthy and happy and fosters personality growth as you age. Seeking more of the same when it isn’t producing offspring is counter productive in terms of your body’s subconscious drive to procreate. Having your safe harbor and multiple side-mates is the natural order of things. Many women such as myself feel a greater sense of ease, heightened level of arousal and relaxation in sexual situations with new partners. It is of course essential for women to communicate their boundaries and desires in any sexual encounter, and to be with partners who respect and prioritize their comfort and well-being. Women’s sexual comfort should always be a priority in any sexual situation.

Safe harbor husbands, don’t fret. The moment that you become absent or she is not getting her feelings of safety and security, she will shift to repairing or replacing the emotional partnership. The emotional partnership is a must to unlock the ability to enjoy the short term erotic couplings. For women, emotional safety can involve feeling respected and valued in their sexual experiences, and having control over the pace and nature of those experiences. A comfortable sexual environment with you can help women feel more relaxed and open to new experiences, and can lead to greater enjoyment and satisfaction outside of her relationship with you.

Sexual excitement is a core emotion and core emotions are programmed into us for survival purposes. Many men attach that core emotion to a partner and find themselves falling in love or catching feelings for their partner. Women are inherently better at having emotionless sex when they have a partner that is fulfilling their emotional needs. In our society, men are not “allowed” to be tender and needy and men frequently attach these feelings of tenderness to sex and this is often the only time that these men feel comfortable being truly vulnerable. Women are more likely to experience sexual regret after a hookup however men are more likely to catch feelings because of the vulnerability they allow themselves to experience with their partner. Gender is not a true differentiator however and many women “catch feelings” just as easily as men do. Before going down the non-monogamy road, consider that feelings and emotional connections should be reserved for your emotional partner.

Fully monogamous relationships can be limiting, restrictive, or overly possessive. Monogamy has the potential to stifle personal growth, freedom, or individualism and can lead to feelings of boredom, resentment, or jealousy. If you are in a monogamous relationship it is normal to feel restricted or even unfulfilled and it may be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with your husband about your needs. Communication and mutual understanding are key components of any healthy relationship so be sure to give of yourself openly and freely.

We are both very clear on the standard rules of marriage and you need to be very clear on any changes to those rules to help with feelings of betrayal, jealousy and anger. Will those feelings still show up? You can bet on it! Having a clear set of rules will allow the two of you to come back and reference them to make sure that you are staying within the guardrails that the two of you set. This sort of relationship is an extension of the female led relationship centered on her sexual needs realization of her energies and fulfillment.