Men have evolved over time to have and prefer multiple sex partners; short term hookups to better spread their seed. Women on the other hand search for emotional security in a partner while still exploring short term hookups with sexually virile mates once they have that “safe harbor” emotional connection with a partner. The safe harbor partner fulfills a need of protection especially during pregnancy and post child birth. Subconsciously we divide men in our lives into two groups, those who will be the emotional partner/safe harbor and those who will be the short term hookups. Those roles can change with different partners and as we age but we see potential suitors in those two roles and it vastly changes the attributes we look in a mate. Kindness, amiability and intelligence? You are likely in the emotional connection group. Cocky and arrogant, you might be the latter? You may not have trouble finding short term hookups but might struggle with long term committed relationships.

Newness, or novelty, plays an enormous role in female arousal. The excitement and unpredictability of being with a new partner can increase sexual interest and excitement. Arousal and desire are complex and can be influenced by many factors, including emotional and psychological connection, physical attraction, and individual experiences and preferences. Every woman is different so the impact of newness on female arousal can vary greatly from one woman to the next. Ultimately, what is most important is that women feel comfortable, safe, and respected in their sexual experiences.

Women are attracted to novel mates, or mates who are new and different from their current partners. This idea is sometimes referred to as “mate switching.” Women may be more likely to seek out new partners when they are in the fertile phase of their menstrual cycle, when hormonal changes may influence their preferences for novel partners. As a evolutionary benefit related to reproduction, the female body seeks out new mates to fulfill her reproductive needs. Of course with birth control and contraception we prevent this but capitalizing on those most fertile periods with new exciting sexual adventures is key to the fulfillment and enjoyment of sexual novelty.

However, it is important to note that sexual preferences and behavior are complex and can be influenced by a wide range of individual, cultural, and societal factors. Additionally, what is considered “novel” can vary greatly from person to person. Not all women may crave mate novelty, and many may be perfectly satisfied with long-term, committed relationships. Some women may shift in mate/mating preference from one season in their life to another. Women in their early 40’s especially those who have not yet borne children often feel a resurgence in sexual energy as their body reminds them that their biological clock is ticking. This is of course subconscious and completely separate from the desire to have a child.

As women we often see problems our sex life being indicators of problems in the relationship but many times those problems in the sex life are just that. We lack new and creative sexual fulfillment. We’ve found that new sexual experiences often enhance the relationship. Common therapist wisdom says that if you fix the relationship the sex will follow but what if sex was the underpinnings of the problem in the first place. When I am sexually unfulfilled, I bring components of that deficiency back into our relationship as criticism and resentment toward my husband. It is then difficult for me to pinpoint my frustration from the laundry not being done or the bed that isn’t made to unmet yearnings in my nether regions.

Our sex lives are never static, we evolve as humans and the expectation that our sexual needs will remain the same through life is naive. As your hormonal profile changes so do your sexual needs. Throughout life your testosterone, estradiol, thyroid hormones, cortisol, insulin, and many others will alternate. This will be in response to stressors in your life, exercise or simply the aging process.

Society tells us a lie that women are naturally more monogamous. Women are supposed to be perfectly happy and comfortable with one person for their entire partnered life. Anything short of lifelong partnership is frowned upon. Left unable to explore their sexuality, women shut dow and decide they are not interested in sex. The message society is sending women is that women are not allowed to be as interested in sex as men. Women are struggling with monogamy just like everybody else but the difference for women is that they are not allowed to talk about or explore their sexuality. It’s not that women don’t have desire, they have little to no desire for this lovely person to whom they’re currently married or partnered with. They do desire have a burning desire for sexual connection and attractive men but they aren’t allowed to even admit that to themselves. If women were provided more space to explore and acknowledge their sexuality, they too might be really happy to have sex with this person who they’ve chosen a monogamous life with.