My mom and I were always close. She had me early, and I never knew my real dad. My stepdad - the guy she ended up marrying - kicked her out because of a drug habit. She lived in rehabs and homeless shelters for most of my life.

I would sometimes get to go and see her, even rarer I'd get to spend the night. It was always very sweet, we'd just hang out the two of us and watch movies and stuff.

My mom was always super open about sex, usually more than I was comfortable with, She'd go into detail about things she'd done, and things that had been done to her. I think she just felt like I was one of the only people she could tell who wouldn't judge her.

One night when I was staying with her (when i was 18), she said my feet stank lol and they did. She told me to come with her to the bathroom. She ran water in the tub and we both sat on the edge and she washed my feet. I'll never forget her saying, "I bet your granny would never do this for you, huh?" (my granny- my stepdad's mom who I was living with at the time) Looking back, it could've gone farther... and I honestly think she wanted it to.

I think about that scene all the time when I masturbate now, mixed in with memories of seeing her naked in the bath. She used to let me sit with her while she bathed, even when other people said it was weird because I was getting too old (18 and older)

She passed away in 2021, and mixed in with all the grief, I can't help feeling like I missed out on fucking my mom, and it feels so fucked up to say. Even the last time I saw her, she was being so sexually explicit, she told me her new nickname around the rehab was "pinky", cause of her pink pussy. She also told me she'd been diagnosed with HIV, and was so frustrated when it made people reject her. "They don't know undetectable means untransmitable ".

I need to talk to a therapist about all this, but I figured I'd tell you guys first lol, cause it still really turns me on to think about tbh