It’s my first year not trying. I was pregnant this time last year, and floating this day last year. We made boundaries with family who were unsupportive during the infertility years, so it was just the two of us for thanksgiving and Christmas. He went to see his family last night, who are finally starting to take ownership of their discouraging us to make a family. That’s something, the one thing that feels “positive” today after years of gaslighting us about that. I was a ward of the state, so I never had a family, and the family of friends I cultivated as a young adult fell apart when they all started making families. Having in-laws meant a lot to me, so its been beyond disappointing that they discouraged us; I had hoped to be family with my in-laws, but it’s yet another family type I don’t get to have. I’m neglecting my kitten’s enrichment because I’m depressed, so she is lashing out at my cat.

Getting through the holidays was my goal, but I didn’t anticipate the emptiness of today. I went on disability for my PTSD in 2018, which isolates me, and the stigma of being on disability prevents people from seeing me as a peer, to make friends with. I was chatting regularly with a local I met on r/childfreefriendships but she ghosted me. I was really excited to be friends with her, another creative type, but I believe she dropped me once it became clear that she (MFA student turned children’s book author) and her doctor husband weren’t in the same tax bracket as my fiancé and I. I’m trying to find friends and meaning in my life apart from searching for family. I went to grad school for counseling, but I’ll probably never work in the field again, so I’m not sure who I even am anymore without a career or hope for a family. I’ll sort it out, and hopefully be able to see this huge empty space as room for possibility. Today is not that day, and I will look towards other days that might hold possibility.