tl;dr - see title

I was standing outside of my hotel by the valet... just chillin'. It was around 12:30am-1:00am. I don't smoke and simply wanted some fresh air.

This middle-aged lady (50-ish? I'm 41, but I'd like to think a 'young 41')... she comes up to the valet podium and starts complaining about the lengthy wait to get her car. Let's call her Bitch.

I'm standing there with long hair & shorts and this black kid (20-21?) dressed smartly/casually and working the valet station.

Suddenly, she starts launching into me about her car and the wait.

WHOA, BITCH! I DON'T EVEN FUCKING WORK HERE. I DON'T EVEN COME CLOSE TO LOOKING LIKE I DO, EITHER.

I explained to her that I was just standing there. I wasn't employed by the hotel whatsoever. That didn't stop her from berating me and the valet guy.

*"I shouldn't have to wait this long... this is ridiculous... what's your problem... where's my car... yada yada yada...." *

Eventually, I told her she should "shut the fuck up and calm down." First off, I don't work there, so I don't give a fuck about her problems. Secondly, she shouldn't be treating people like that. I don't care what your issue is, you can't talk to people like third-class citizens. Lastly, fuck off.

The valet dude apologizes and says they are short staffed, he will arrange to get her car ASAP. He tells me he was only supposed to be there for three hours... and that ended three hours earlier.

Bitch walks away, loudly complaining to anyone within earshot. I turn to the kid and say 'What a bitch, man. Calm the fuck down.'

After 5-10 minutes, Bitch's husband comes along. Let's call him Mr. O-C (short for Mr. Over-Compensation). She starts complaining with gusto about the whole scene to him and he comes over to give me a piece of his mind. Apparently they were part of a wedding reception or something.

"You can't talk to my wife like that... what's your problem, buddy?" - Mr. O-C

First off, dude, back the fuck up. Secondly, whatever the issue with the valet service, IT'S NOT MY FUCKING PROBLEM BECAUSE I DON'T WORK (T)HERE. Third, your wife shouldn't talk to people like like they're pieces of shit, me included. If that's her game, then I'm gonna give it back.

Mr. O-C starts asking me if I "wanna go"? "Go ahead, touch me..." he says Then he quickly drops his Trump Card ^TM.... "I'm a cop."

I told him that I didn't give a fuck. He had better control his wife because she can't talk to me like that.

So then, in front of the skinny manager that had just arrived on the scene, and immediately after telling me he's a cop and not to touch him (which I had no intent to do anyway), Mr. O-C pushes me backwards by the throat with his fingers.

"Go ahead," I told him... "fucking hit me. I triple-dog dare you, motherfucker. I don't care if you are a cop. I've got witnesses (true), money (lie), and a lawyer on retainer (lie)."
Holy righteous anger feels pretty good.
The manager tried to intervene, but he was just a little dude. He couldn't have diffused a match-stick that wasn't even lit. Mini-manager says, "Okay... nobody touched anybody...."

"HOLD THE FUCK ON, DUDE.... YOU JUST SAW HIM PUSH ME BY THE THROAT IN FRONT OF ALL THESE PEOPLE... YOU KNOW GODDAMNED WELL HE PUSHED ME AND I DIDN'T DO SHIT."

Once I said that, Mr. O-C backed off and went to sit on the stoop by Bitch. He kept arguing with me but stayed out of my face.

I told the manager I was going back to my room... I didn't need this bullshit.

As I walk past people and into the lobby, Mr. O-C keeps yapping away at me, so I drop this one on him.... "You're a cop, right? Shouldn't you be out shooting the black youths of America?"

I thought he was going to have an apoplexy.

After walking into the lobby, I lodged my complaint with the desk clerk, gave him my name and room number in case there were any issues, and then went to my room.

I have respect for law enforcement, but don't drop the "I'm a cop" bullshit when it's completely irrelevant. Also, if your wife wants to give me shit for no reason whatsoever, be prepared to have said shit thrown right back in her ugly old face.