I think we can all agree that sometimes things don’t make sense. Why do we desire certain things that are so taboo in nature, yet when we’re horny it all comes out. That’s what has happened across 7 years of a beautiful relationship with my partner. We’re both 31, have a house, engaged and due to be married next year. We have had a fantasy for the past 4 years involving her and other men, which has only resided within dirty talk in the bedroom and via messaging.

Approximately 3 months ago a mutual acquaintance messaged my partner saying he thought she looked hot. I have been working away quite a lot and in the intensity of the feeling, we allowed messages to be exchanged including sexual ones.

A month passed. We felt weird afterwards and said we shouldn’t do that. Deleted the messages. I went away again and the messages restarted with her now talking in detail to this person about dates and times they could meet. I came home from that trip and again we reconnect and say really we got carried away… BUT on this occasion, my partner said she could consider doing it next time I go away.

Here’s where the error has been made. We didn’t communicate. We neither felt comfortable saying anything with our closeted fantasy only being discussed via messaging and when we had sex.

So, I went away the weekend just gone. The messages start again and fast forward to the Friday evening and he is coming over to our house. She dresses sexually. They both know what’s going to occur. Midway through the meet I message my mrs and tell her that I love her for satisfying our fantasy but maybe we shouldn’t do this and could he leave. She says okay after this drink he will leave. Her next message reads that she’s kissed him and id love it. Long story short she ended up doing full foreplay with him but stopped short of sex. Said she couldn’t do it.

I return home and in the halo of the night before, we have the best sex of our lives. She tells me she wishes she had slept with him and says to me she would be open to doing it again.

Here is where the problem and mental trauma exists. I have realised I don’t think I am mentally strong enough nor do I actually think this realised fantasy is for me. In fact, I haven’t slept, haven’t eaten and have felt chronically depressed and empty since returning home YET my partner is taken by the experience.

A day passed. We sat down to communicate again and she says now that the horniness has subsided she feels weird and sad too and actually she doesn’t want to pursue this anymore. We communicate well here to say it’s a turn on for both of us but given our lives together, there is just too much at risk to do this again.

Without getting the violin out, I have tried to find a counsellor but am struggling to secure one who specialises in this area. I am reaching to this sub community for anybody who can help me navigate these feelings as I am currently on a crash collision course of destroying my future marriage, my mental health and happiness. I just haven’t been able to shake the thought of what happened and perhaps the rejection feeling that at the point I decided I didn’t want to, she had already made her choice and was doing it. I hold no grudge for that but I am finding that aspect tough… is this really a light that has been turned off? Or are we in a weird place now where I am unsure, she feels my pain and is telling herself no more? Don’t get me wrong, the fantasy turns me on but I want to seek counselling to improve myself to try my hardest to suppress it given how I feel now.

My partner and I have always been interconnected physically mentally and sexually, but on Saturday when we sat down and she told me upfront she wanted to have sex with him, and regretted not doing so, I realised the grave error that I had made.

I appreciate wholeheartedly that going in to something like this without communication, boundaries is absolutely terrible and set us up for this position. As a part in this I hold my hands up and say I made mistakes but desperately want to find a way to heal, accept what I’ve done and save my marriage because right now, I do not feel the same as I did before and I just cannot see a way forward.