There were several requests for an update (six, to be exact). I have some time today, so I said why not. Here is the link for the original post.

First of all, I want to thank you people for all the inputs. They really helped me gather my thoughts and gave me a lot of ideas to talk about with my husband. I literally took notes and prioritized things that should be brought up.

Too keep it short I’ll just say he came home that night with flowers. I was already ready to go out on our date, so he suited up and we left. He ordered some drinks first and told that we should wait before ordering food to give us the proper chance to talk.

Some background is needed to understand his mindset. My husband comes from a semi-abusive home. His parents are, simply put, emotionally immature and they never were able to provide the support their three children needed. All they thought they needed to do was to be strict disciplinarians and that’s it. My husband on the other hand is a very emotional person. Emotional but very strong. As the oldest of the three siblings, he felt the need to step up. He was basically parentified pretty much by himself out of love for his siblings and the lack of parenting by their actual parents. He was there to support and protect his siblings even when he was just a teenager. That protectiveness and feelings of care for his loved ones is the defining characteristic of him. He built himself up, became very successful, and helped his siblings become responsible and self-sufficient adults. I can’t even begin to tell how much they look up to him.

When our drinks came and we both decided it was a good time to talk, I tried to begin by apologizing but he cut me off. He said that I had nothing to apologize for. He wanted to go first because he thought he was the one to cause this drift. It was a long conversation, but I’ll try to write the main points.

• His first thought when he saw the video was that it was so hot. He was very turned on at first sight. Then, panic came rushing in. He felt that it could easily have been a dangerous situation for me (some redditors were spot on). He didn’t want to come off as controlling or didn’t want to hurt me by reacting in that panicked state, so he shut down.
• After trying to understand his own reaction, he realized that he might have encouraged me to take too much risk and blamed himself. Felt a deep regret for his actions that could have caused me harm.
• Upon reflecting more, he realized this was coming from baseless distrust of people due to his childhood trauma. He couldn’t trust his parents causing him to distrust people in general. He felt worse for distrusting my judgement too. He said I am the only adult he fully trusts and having that reaction was as if his trust was questionable. Which he assured me is not the case.
• He needed time to calm himself and he tried to approach it logically. He said he really does trust me fully. We also decided mutually months ago that we could really trust this particular bull not because we liked him but because of his actions. He provided his up-to-date health info without even asking. He tried to understand what we expected out of the arrangement even before we tried to talk about it. He also seeks and makes sure about my consent in boundary pushing situations. My husband said he was angry with himself for days because he turned something that should have been very fun and arousing into a sad situation due to his past trauma. He said he will work on it.

So, this is the gist of it. We talked for more than an hour and it’s neither possible nor practical to write everything we talked about. To cut an already too long post short I brought up a lot of things that you guys threw in your comments or messages. We made sure we are on the same page, and we have safeguards for preventing such triggers now.

After dinner he surprised me with a nice suite in a cool hotel. It turned out he asked the sitter to stay with the kids for the night. I could safely say that he completely reclaimed me all night and part of the morning. Before anyone asks, we also watched the video and got completely different (positive) results this time.