I’ve brought it up. Here’s what happened next.

EDIT: This post is not the actual story of what happened next. Just an introduction to let people know that bringing up “swinging” is has had a ton of positive effects on my life. I’m providing an account for others who want to bring it up, but are scared to. The story will be coming, but one post isn’t enough. This is just the first.

I was blind but now I see.

This is my account of the events that have unfolded for my wife, myself, and frankly everyone I interact with, since I made my first post on r/hotwifeadvice and how the butterfly wing of a confession is becoming a tsunami in our lives.

Bringing up “swinging” could have gone bad for me. It has gone incredibly well for me, my wife, and everyone interact with. I feel more comfortable in my skin now. Lives easier when you feel that way.

Link to the previous post: link TLDR: I made a confession to my wife that I was interested in female-led ethical non-monogamy. I did so before I had the language, knowledge, or capacity to do so. My wife suspended judgement of me and said we’d talk after she’s processed a bit. I posted on Reddit and asked for advice.

What I write next might be part of book one day. This might live and taper off on Reddit. This might not have an ending, but if even one post helps someone other than me that’s enough for me. I want to help others if possible and I want to help myself through this process. That ball is rolling.

I need to give explanations and provide context for people like me that take information in and out this way. Or at least provide a way that people that don’t think like me, a way to follow my thoughts in a way that helps them still. I have full confidence I'm in the midst of what I'm calling a Lincoln moment (Let's talk about that later), and I am capable of great and/or terrible things. I have it in me to do what’s terrible, but still great. Or I could just be great. I realize that I can be great, and that I never was terrible but was doing terrible things, because I was working under false assumptions.

My goal is to be just great and this is how I’m going about it. I’m going to garner information from strangers on the internet. I’m going to write about it to help me keep track of what’s happened while also providing something for people like me. There’s clearly a lot in this specific community because the reason I found this community and tried to post here in the first place and then found an adjacent community and posted there first is because people with these ideas get funneled here.

If my posts aren’t in the spirit of the community that’s fine. This post is enough to point people towards me if the mods are willing to leave this one up. If there’s somewhere else I should post, let me know. I’ll post where it’s most appropriate. If the mods are fine with this all being contained here that’s also fine. It’s in one place. Cool. Fact is, this is the place I think best to post, there might be somewhere better. I just don’t know where or how that is. I need help to find resources. I don’t know everything. Because I don’t know everything I need your help.

You in specific. The Reddit human on the other side of the screen who reads these posts and respectfully responds. Also the Reddit human that responds disrespectfully whether with good intent, bad intent, or no intent. There’s a lot to learn from both of you. There’s also something to be gained from the lurkers like me. The ones who had these ideas, were ashamed of them, thought they could never live this lifestyle for this or that or did harmful things because they had suppressed desires that restricted their world view. I was one of you.

I was all of you at once and all people are capable of being great and terrible. That’s what makes us humans. Our past behaviors influence our future actions. There’s patterns. Patterns can be disrupted. You can be terrible today and that will always have a history in the world, but people are capable of change. You see it everywhere. You see it Dave Grohl, he cheated on a wife he probably does love. He simultaneously hurt someone he loved, but loved no less, but he is also capable of influencing millions in a positive way. He’s human. He can be both.

If you broadly categorize people into good and bad and are unwilling to talk and understand how they got there. You’re robbing yourself of experiences in life that could make your life better whether or not you realize that in your current state. I didn’t know that a week ago. I know it now, and I don’t just feel this way, I know it now. Or at least, I know it right now.

I’m gonna fall down on my journey up but I’m gonna fight to always end up higher or further than I was before I fell. I also thought professional help wasn’t available to me. It is, but I genuinely thought it wasn’t and you’ll see that in later posts. But to uncharacteristically be concise, I’m going to see a therapist and a psychiatrist through this journey.

I’m gonna have professionals point me in the right or medically healthy direction along the way. I’m doing this help me and hopefully you. Even if you don’t actually need it, might be entertaining at least? Who knows. You decide. I don’t know everything, but I have good intentions. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and sometimes I need to be disrupted before i go down that road. So give to me your reaction. I will discern it. I will make a decision if it’s good for me or not good for me and will have professional insight, so if I go the wrong way I can be stopped. I just need your authenticity because I have something to learn from all of you because you are not me.

Iron sharpens iron, and steel sharpens steel. I am steel looking to be sharpened by diamonds. Be my diamond, and I'll thank you for it. Be my steel, and we can walk together. Be iron, and I'll cut through your bullshit. I need all of you.

I need to be discrete. Don’t find me, you or I could destroy my life and hurt others. I’m trying to do it in a way were I can be anonymous yet honest until don’t have to be anonymous. But I also can’t jeopardize my wife’s life because I’m having certain thoughts. I need the biggest bang for me buck and that has trade offs. So don’t try and find me, and if you do let me keep going my way unless you can provide encouragement without jeopardizing the process. If you find me and have ill intent I’m taking mitigating actions to prevent harm from happening if you do.

Next, I’m a rambler. If you read this far you’re picking up on that. I’m always going somewhere you might not know where I’m going, because I don’t either when I start typing. But I’m going somewhere. I’ll try to be clear if not know then later. I’ll always analyze the situation and come up with an answer. Might be a wrong one though. I do that. (Read Poison for Breakfast by Lemony Snicket)

So I’ll try and make a clear point. You can help be clearer though. I’ll be giving you more soon. One way or another this thread or another. If this is interesting to you follow along. Talk soon. Toodles.

Oh! I will probably not respond to all of you. Ain’t got that kind of time. I’m a husband, a student, a homemaker and so much more. I’ll try and read what you have to say because every single one of you has something to contribute. Just know it’ll never be wasted, even if it's never read or responded to. There’s not enough hours in a day. If there was, I’d do it all. Opportunity cost, trade offs, yada yada. You get it.

Might quote something or come up with something that someone else came up with first. I don’t know. Brains a mess I’ll regurgitate at you regardless, but when I can I’ll provide direct sources if not at least some sort of way for you to find it. Like that great and terrible thing. Straight up lifted from Harry Potter.

Bye bye, for now human on the other side of the screen.