Disclaimer: I originally wrote and tried to post this on r/swingers but it wouldn’t go through for some reason. And just found this sub and thought this might be a good spot.

Hey everyone, this might be a somewhat long post. TLDR: I’ve brought up this lifestyle to my wife and I could use resources and advice on how to better continue the conversation.

Please feel free to skip to the - - - - - - - - - section of the post for the questions, the rest of this is context that may or may not be needed to have a meaningful discussion.

So I feel a good bit of background info is needed. We are mid 20’s couple and have been together 6 years between dating and marriage. We love each other deeply. Flat out we’re soulmates. We have a healthy relationship and both communicate well with each other. Generally, we have always been able to discuss big decisions with ease.

Recently I had an epiphanic moment and realized I wanted something like this very deeply. It was like I had a huge jumble of puzzle pieces in front of me this whole time, and suddenly they all started snapping together.

For example, my wife is very attractive. I think she’s the sexiest woman in the world. On the outside she looks very cute and innocent and is ridiculously kind. She’s athletic, takes care of herself well, but isn’t remotely full of herself. She doesn’t see herself as gorgeous as she is. This often leads her not realizing when she’s being hit on or checked out. After I let her know someone was hitting on her, she almost always goes, “What! He was?! I thought he was just being nice.” And she means it, she’s not ditzy, she’s very intelligent, but she just doesn’t realize when she’s being hit on or how incredibly hot she is. When this happens I usually let her talk with the other person, not jealously, but when it gets a little long I go over to her and make casual conversation at that point the other person realizes she’s married and that’s that. I realized this is something that always turned me. For years I’d bring it up in a joking manner, but recently i recognized it’s part of the puzzle so to speak.

Another one is she dresses cute and trendy, but somewhat modest. I’ve always encouraged her in an uplifting way to dress a bit more provocatively. With her agreement I bought her a thong bikini that really showed off her ass and when she would wear it she’d get a ton of positive attention even though she didn’t realize it. I loved watching the attention she’d get and notice how often guys would walk by with their sunglasses trying to check her out discreetly, or not so discreetly.

When I’d watch porn it was almost always mfm porn and if not I was trying to find women that looked like my wife and imagining it was her in it.

All this is to say looking back at it there was so much pointing to this to be something I desired and fantasized about. When I realized I wanted to share her it made a lot of sense. So much was pointing towards me desiring this on a very deep level. It gave context to years of desires from before my wife to now. I made the realization and mental decision that I wanted this about a week ago, and it had been eating me up since. My wife clearly took notice, and asked what was up quite a few times. I consistently said I did not want to talk about it, or that I wasn’t in a place to talk about it. She was very respectful and gave me time. This isn’t unusual, but we process almost everything together. When one of us going through something be it work issues, school, or anything for that matter we usually talk through it together.

Two nights ago, she really wanted to talk about what was going on with me, and I told her we could talk after kids went down. So, I threw a pizza in the oven got us some glasses of wine, and well I brought it up. I think I could’ve done more research about it before then if I’m being honest, because there’s a lot I don’t know, but once again normally we process things together, so it was kind of hard to get on the right track until we talked.

The conversation was very long, to say the least. I went about it somewhat similarly to this post, where I brought up the background first, but with more instances and details. It was getting a bit winded without me getting to the heart of matter so at one point she asked be me to be frank. I said,“I wanted to see/share her with other men.” I can’t remember how exactly I said it, but got somewhat to the point. She was definitely shocked.

Our sex life is largely good, only thing that’s off at all is my libido is higher than hers but that’s not a negative thing. She’s had 3 sexual partners before me, but had not had an orgasm,not even from masturbating, until we got together at 20. Since then when we make love she orgasms very quickly and often. She jokes that she’s the two pump chump in our relationship. All around, she says she’s very satisfied sexually and I don’t feel like I’m not meeting her needs. She considers herself vanilla, but she’s always been open to at least discuss if not try any ideas I’ve had. For example I wanted to try anal, she wasn’t into it, but said she’d give it a shot. We tried but weren’t successful in doing it, and she didn’t enjoy it and that was that we don’t do that now. I brought up how I’d enjoy cumming in her mouth or on her face after sex and we tried it, she enjoyed it or at least enjoyed how much I did and now it’s something we do often. That said she never brings up any ideas, and all around likes vanilla so this was a very big ask and departure from the norm.

Back to the conversation, she was very clearly shocked and a bit stressed and that was evident, but she didn’t express anything negative nor positive. Very intentionally so, she didn’t want her initial reaction to hurt my feelings or give me false ideas until she could process what she was feeling. During the discussion she said asked what the peak of this would be for me. I stated it’d be something like she has sex with another man with me, so not like I’m watching or doing anything to the guy, but I guess a mfm threesome? I mentioned other things like, her flirting a bit, or like telling me which guys she finds attractive or things like that but didn’t get too into the weeds.

There was a lot more discussion, but she needed time to process it. She agreed to think about it and we talked about how the thinking process would look like. Basically she said she couldn’t talk to me about it right now because it’s so much and she had no idea this was something I’d bring up. We agreed that we would talk about it and we would process it together, but for now she needed time. I told her I obviously wanted to know her thoughts and want to discuss it with her further, she agreed that would happen periodically and when the day comes that she has made a final decision she’d give me a black and white yes or no.

I asked her if I could brings things up between now and when she made her decision or how it would work in case she didn’t want brought up. She said it could be brought up, but needed time for now. I told her that I wouldn’t bring it up again until she did next, and we would talk more.

I told her many times how I don’t want to jeopardize our marriage or relationship in any way. She asked what would happen if she gave me a final answer of no. I told her that if we talk about this and she gets to the point where it’s a flat out no, I would never mention it again and would no questions asked put it behind me. I told her it would be incredibly difficult and may always be a part of me, but I would always choose our relationship and her over any desires I have. A life without her happy, secure, and loved would be substantially worse than having to hide a piece of me.

She has a tendency to think of all the worst possible things first for anything, so I was worried she was going down a spiral that maybe wasn’t needed. She asked me what if she got pregnant. I told her that that would be terrible and not something that’d be easy, we’re extremely pro-choice, but her choice would never be to abort. So, I told her I would love the child because it’d be half her and we’d pass the baby off as our own to others. She asked what if it was black? (Not due racism, but just because we aren’t, and couldn’t pass a black child as being ours) I told her once again, we would take all the possible protections beforehand to prevent anything like that from happening, but on the off chance it did happen I would come clean to family and friends that it was my fault it happened not hers. It’d be humiliating, but I would do that to protect her however I could from those repercussions.

She then said she didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I respected her wishes and asked what was next. If she needed space verbally or physically, and she said she didn’t know. She couldn’t think straight at all. So I had us move to the couch and I just sat in her presence watching her go through a rollercoaster of emotions. Really hated causing her stress. Eventually we went and cuddled to sleep. When she fell asleep she was clutching her chest in the fetal position with a very furrowed brow, but at one point, to my surprise, she let out a bit of moan (good kind) and relaxed and spread out like normal and rested a hand between her thighs.

I should also mention this was terrifying and really difficult to bring up, because I felt a lot of shame and guilt around these feelings. I was vulnerable but she was very supportive through it.

Oh! She also told me it took me years to come clean with this to her, and it could be years before she made a decision, but once she did it would be very clear. The horny part of me was disappointed (didn't tell her that), but my rational mind thinks that that made sense. I want to approach this journey with my brain not my dick.

Yesterday morning before she woke up I went out and bought fresh roses and put them in a vase at the kitchen table, I also got pastries from her favorite bakery and made her favorite breakfast. I made sure to be extra gentle with her and loved on her the way she likes to be loved on. She mentioned how she loved me and appreciates the way i was treating her.

I did my best not to bring it up, but she could tell it was super on mind. Before bed we talked a tiny bit about it, nothing in particular, but basically reiterated that we should process it together but that she was not yet in a place to talk about anything. However, she told me within the next 3 days we would have a chat. We went to bed and again to my surprise this morning I woke up to her rubbing me over my pants, but she wasn’t fully awake, sometimes she gets in the mood when she’s asleep but she’s never done something like that . She knows I’ve always wanted to be woken like that and she has consent but she wasn’t fully conscious while she did it seems. She also didn’t remember doing it, when I thanked her for it later in the day.

Part of me thinks at some level, maybe she’s interested? I don’t know yet at all because we haven’t talked about it more, but between those two instances at night part of me thinks that at some level it could be arousing to her.

Okay so now for the part I need help with. I don’t know much about this stuff, or at least not enough to communicate well about it.

After my confession I finally felt somewhat at peace. Felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and I feel very light. At this point I a tarted really researching more about it all. I read this very short book called “Cuckolding for Loving Couples” and it started out giving a lot of language to what I felt and i related to it, but at one point it took a huge turn and wasn't remotely close to what I’d like.

I’m interested in sharing her and being involved during is my preference, but if she ends up having a preference of me just watching I would be okay with that, but I’m not remotely into any form humiliation, degradation, or feminization. Am I still a cuckold then? I don’t know what term I should use to guide me towards better resources.

I don’t think cuckold is accurate. Swinger feels more accurate, but off because I don't want to be with another woman and I know she'd hate that.

What is good label for this scenario?

How do you go about making sure she doesn't feel objectified throughout the process?

Any book recommendations to learn more about this stuff? I think I'm gonna start one called "Insatiable Wives" if anyone is familiar with that.

Any romance or romantasy book recommendation that have mfm in them? She’s never watched porn, so I think that'd be an approachable to be introduced to the idea while still involving one of her hobbies. She loves romantasy books like ACOTAR or Fourth Wing.

Does this lifestyle cause splits often? I don't want to lose her.

Any podcast recommendations that after towards something like what I’m laying out? Whether it’s episodes or series.

Any advice on how to broach this topic further? I'm clearly very enthused by it all but I don't want that to put pressure on her.

General thoughts or opinions?

Any other communities on reddit or sites to check out? Any other resources?

If you read this all thank you so much for going through my rambling, I really appreciate the help whether you read just the questions or the whole thing.