Hi all, VERY important questions (to me, at least). My fiancé (M) and I (F) are considering engaging in the hot wife lifestyle… Ever since he admitted his fantasy to me in the fall of 2021 he has been non-stop incredibly into the idea, offered to reach out to people, and we’ve spoken about it during and outside of sex all the time since then so despite my anxiety, I feel pretty sure he sincerely wants to try this, and soon. I took a while to warm up to it but now I am pretty excited despite my pretty intense anxiety about it… (also I hope y’all won’t judge me for this but talking about it even is super hot and I feel like even writing this has got me feeling… ANYWAY. (Lol) I am very excited to find someone and to have some fun. But before then we obviously need to vent and screen some individuals, and that is where my questions comes in…

I (24F) have HSV (herpes) type 1, which is generally the oral type, but somehow I got it genitally and had my first outbreak when I was 21. Herpes can be latent/dormant for no time at all or for many years. I’ve been in a monogamous relationship with my current fiancé (I firmly believe he has also been monogamous the whole time as well) since I was 18, but neither of us ever had any symptoms or outbreaks anywhere on our bodies until I had a genital outbreak at 21 so idk where it came from, but that was/is incredibly emotionally difficult to accept. I feel tainted because I can never ever be cured so I stigmatize myself and don’t tell pretty much anyone. My fiancé feels like it is his fault, as he most likes gave it to me—he has oral herpes but never had a sore until after my first outbreak—but he is very supportive. I have several outbreaks a year, never as bad as the first (thank god bc that first time I was so painful that when I went to the ER they had to resort to giving me fucking fentanyl in order to do a pelvic exam!!).

It is my understanding that generally it’s very unlikely to transmit herpes outside of a time when there is a sore or outbreak present or forming, that generally it is someone touching the bodily fluids from an area (mouth, sore, etc) of a currently infected person. Having this disease myself and seeing how painful and disruptive to my life it is, I would NEVER EVER do anything that I believed would non-negligibly put someone else at risk of contracting it, but if we engage with anyone else relating to this lifestyle then I/we feel like I/we have a duty to keep them safe but I just don’t know how exactly to do that ethically while revealing as little as possible for my own privacy and mental well-being. There is a lot of stigma toward those with STDs (even if we have no idea how/when we got them) so I don’t want to share to much with strangers because most of my friends and family still don’t know.

TLDR/THE QUESTIONS: Given that I take having genital HSV1 VERY seriously and would NEVER under ANY circumstance engage in any genital sexual contact (with my genitals) with or without a condom with a 3rd while having any outbreak symptoms at all… (A) How much/what/if at all (please be specific) do I/we ethically need to disclose about my HSV1 to a potential 3rd? (B) Does it make a difference in how much I need to disclose if we tell the 3rd we will require use of a condom? (C) When and how would you bring it up?

Feel free to privately message me if that’s more comfortable. I sincerely am so grateful to whoever chooses to respond. I appreciate you!!!