My hotwife and I are at a place where she's regularly meeting people who aren't in the lifestyle, which is fine, but often find they're less likely to have test results at the ready.
I feel most comfortable with her partners having at least had test results in the last 3-6 months. But we've run across a handful recently who say something along the lines of "I was tested when my last GF and I got together a year ago, we broke up, but I haven't been with anyone else since."
My lady takes them at their word, has an amazing bullshit detector, and broadly considers these folks less risky than someone who has multiple partners and is getting tested regularly.
I say we err on the side of men being capable of stretching the truth, their partners too, and that it says more about their safety that they are getting tested or are willing when we ask.
She respects whatever boundary I come up with. But it definitely is hindering her spontaneous connections, and I'm starting to feel guilty about that. We're all in this to have fun after all and hookup with others.
Am I being naive or overly cautious here? I'd love any insights from the community about best practices, how you handle these types of situations, etc.
If sheâs properly using condoms thereâs almost no risk of HIV. The bacterial infections are very low risk and are all (for now) curable with a course of antibiotics. Even with condoms there is still a risk of HPV and HSV transmission, and those also arenât included on standard STD panels, and are often asymptotic, so guys could easily have them and not know. Itâs just a risk you take when you sleep with multiple people.
Bottom line - get tested every three months, use condoms, she should get Pap smears religiously (especially if she didnât get the HPV vaccine, but even if she did get it but after she was sexually active), cross your fingers about herpes, and youâll be fine.
Also - I didnât mention it the first time around because you said you always use condoms, but if that ever changes, Iâd recommend she get on PreP. Itâs a daily dose pill that reduces risk of acquiring HIV to nearly zero. Itâs potentially expensive and she might have to fight with her doc to get on it, but it is definitely indicated for women who have risky sex with multiple partners (as well as gay or bi men). My wife and I are both on it, but we also have ditched the condoms a few times when we probably shouldnât have (thankfully without consequence!), so we decided better safe than sorry. The side effects are rare, and neither of us have had any issues, but that said if youâre engaging in less risky behavior than we have been known to itâs probably not worth it.
Neither myself or my partner have had an outbreak of either HSV1 or HSV2, but weâve never been tested for it either (we just do the standard panel), so maybe we have one or both, maybe we donât. We have absolutely no desire to play with people who have a different risk assessment strategy than we do, and we always have an STD conversation with any partners we have before we do anything and make it clear that we arenât in the super cautious camp, and then let them make up their own minds. Iâm sure weâve had people back away from playing with us because of it (our SLS profile makes it clear weâre risk tolerant), and thatâs exactly what we want.
That said - if you or whoever only wants to play with partners that can show a recent full panel STI test, by all means go for it. Please. Iâm not trying to talk anyone out of that, although I do think itâs valid to reiterate that even that isnât foolproof because Iâve seen people post on Reddit about getting STIs even after taking âall the precautionsâ and being totally broken up about it, and I donât want anyone to think they can 100% eliminate risk. But absolutely you can drop it by some large percent - Iâm not saying itâs dumb to fall into the cautious camp. It absolutely makes sense for a lot of people. Itâs just not a priority for us. Weâre older and kids arenât in our future, which also colors our strategy. If I we were planning on having kids, absolutely that would change how we look at things. But - zero desire to try to âtrickâ someone into fucking us. Thatâs not our style. If we only every hooked up with people who were of the same mind as us when it comes to STI risk we would be totally content.
Condoms reduce risk, yes, but will not fully stop HSV transmission in PIV sex. And do you use them for oral? For cunnilingus? For kissing? Do you know that the HSV blood test isnât included on standard STD panels? Yes you can reduce that risk by using condoms, talking to your partners about their HSV status, etc, etc but you canât eliminate it and have multiple partners, thatâs just reality. I think itâs perfectly reasonable to fall in the camp that tries to reduce risk & exposure, but that does NOT eliminate risk, and again, if you canât accept that then you probably shouldnât have multiple partners because itâs going to do you some serious psychological damage if you do get an STI. Thatâs not me saying that everyone should raw dog every person they meet, thatâs me saying that even if you use condoms, you still need to get regularly tested and accept that thereâs a non-zero chance (lower than if you didnât use condoms, higher than if youâre monogamous) that you could get HSV or HPV. Thatâs just the way it is.
There is really almost nothing you can do to stop HSV risk. If you canât accept that, this isnât the life for you.
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Exactly my point, and weâre up front about that, as I stated previously. We arenât your problem - if you met us, youâd know right away you wouldnât be comfortable sleeping with us (for that reason if nothing else), and we wouldnât want it any other way. I donât understand why youâre obsessed with policing the behaviors of folks like us - we arenât your problem đ¤ˇââď¸. Donât fuck us. âNuff said.