WHAT IS A DEMISEXUAL?

I need to try and lay out what demisexual is so you understand our situation before I get into the advice I’m looking for, otherwise I’ll be getting generic advice that won’t be of much help.

As we all know, sexual orientations are a thing. There’s hetero/asexual/bi/gay/lesbian/trans, and so on. Asexuality describes someone who “experiences no sexual feelings or desires, not feeling sexual attraction to anyone.”

Demisexuality falls within the asexual spectrum with one key difference. A demisexual only experiences sexual feelings and attraction after developing a close emotional bond and not on the basis of first impressions, physical characteristics, or anything else. Or put another way, a Demisexual is an asexual UNTIL they find themselves emotionally tethered to a specific person. At that point, all of their sexual desires are very powerfully and pointedly directed toward that one individual. They remain essentially asexual towards all others.

If you visit the demisexual sub on Reddit you’ll see countless posts and comments from demisexuals who simply do not understand and cannot comprehend casual sex. They’re actually repulsed by it. (If you don’t understand their orientation, try not to judge. Everyone’s different.)

I also want to stress, if you’re thinking, “my wife needs a connection too before she can sleep with a guy” you’re not picking up what I’m laying down. 

For a demisexual, the emotional bond they need for them to feel sexual attraction to someone is the kind of bond that stays with them for life. It goes way way beyond a connection.

MY DEMISEXUAL WIFE

My wife is a demisexual. She was a 22y/o virgin when we met. Not just a virgin, she hadn’t even kissed a guy. Never had a boyfriend. Never had a crush. Never put up a poster or swooned over a Backstreet Boy or NSYNC. She never understood her friends who did. In fact, she was planning on living the life of a spinster.

Now, let’s be clear. I think my wife is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known, as you’d expect from a husband (photo on profile). But here’s the thing, people stop her randomly in public - grocery shopping, at the bank, on the street - just to tell her how beautiful she is. I’ve never seen that happen to anyone else. It’s almost eerie.

But she’s also the sweetest girl you’d ever meet. She’s kind to everyone and she’s very unpretentious.

We’ve been married 17 years. She just turned 41 and still can’t buy alcohol without her identification because she looks to be in her early 20’s. 

And her sex drive is way way higher than mine. Toward me, her sex drive is near insatiable.

Like, we fuck every night, most mornings and occasionally in the afternoon. And she initiates it 90% of the time. Every night she showers, reapplies makeup, puts on slutty clubbing gear with high heels (because I prefer that over lingerie) and seduces me. Every night. Without fail.

You might think I’m lying or making this shit up, but I’m not. And because she is so tethered to me emotionally as a demisexual, she orgasms and cums so damn easily and frequently.

Now that you have an idea of who I married, let’s get into our struggle with regard to Hotwifing (if you haven’t guessed it already).

COMPERSION ASPECT CANNOT BE FULFILLED

I developed the HW fetish about 5 years ago and told my wife. Here’s how the HW LS works for us in fantasy: We are a stag/vixen couple. We would always do it together. I would watch and then join in or watch and then immediately reclaim.

Since telling her about my fantasy she’s worked very hard to accommodate. And she’s happy to do so because she enjoys making me happy. She’s not “taking one for the team” as I hope will be made clear.

She is always dressed to the max, no matter what her day looks like. Make up is always on point, even if she’s just staying home. And when we go dancing she is always among the sexiest and sluttiest in the room.

But here’s the thing: everything she does is for me. She enjoys it too, but not to get turned on by other guys. She enjoys it because of what it does for me and for us and for our sexlife. That’s not bad in itself. But it’s only one side of the coin for me.

I also want her to want it for herself. To want to have hot guys flirt and turn on her and for her to fantasize about them.

And so here’s the rub regarding her Demisexuality. It seems she’s not even capable of desiring or being turned on by another man. She’s never played with herself before. I’ve tried to encourage her to and we’ve bought dildos and she’s tried, but she either focuses on the pleasure with no particular imagery or fantasy, or she fantasizes about me. Never someone else. And she never pleasures herself on her own initiative.

She never fantasized about sex before and I’ve tried to encourage her to, and she’s worked on it, but in her fantasy she only imagines me.

She can’t think about other men sexually. She can’t get turned on by them. The idea of their cock in her or their masculine body on hers doesn’t do anything for her. She doesn’t play with herself or fantasize or tell me about anything that turns her on.

She’s always turned on and always ready to get fucked. But it’s always because of me. Never because of anyone that she thought about or fantasized about.

And without her actually wanting or desiring other men, I feel like this isn’t what I want.

Yes, I like it when guys check her out or want to fuck her. Yes, it’s okay if she never actually fucks another man. And yes, as a demisexual, it makes her very happy to do what she does if it makes me happy, and it does make our sex life all the more exciting.

BUT…. what I desire the most is for her to desire her side of the Hotwife lifestyle. Even if she never follows through with it, to hear her say, “I saw a guy today, he was so cute and he flirted with me and I rubbed myself afterwards wondering what it would be like for him to fuck me.” I want her to desire that so much. Those words would make me pound her so much harder than I normally do.

I feel robbed of the Compersion aspect of this kink. Because how can I take pleasure in her pleasure if she doesn’t get turned on by other guys?

We’ve had so many conversations about this. She tries. But she tries for me. She is always texting with guys on Reddit, Fetlife and Feeld, but it always feels mechanical like she has to work at it - it doesn't seem like she's having fun, and she always take it or leave it, and it never turns her on. So what’s the point?

I’ve suggested several times that maybe we stop with the fantasy altogether but she doesn’t want to. She pushes for us to continue. It’s fun and she likes how it heightens our sex life and excites our marriage.

But I really hate the one-sidedness of it all. It just doesn’t feel authentic without her sharing in the desire.

SHOULD WE CONTINUE OR GIVE IT UP?

Should I just be happy with her effort to please me knowing that she’s not able to offer the compersion aspect because she is - when it comes to her view of other men - asexual? Or should we stop with this fantasy altogether?

We’ve discussed this ad nauseam. She wants to keep going and thinks that in time one day she may come to lust/desire/fantasize about other man and be able to vocalize that to me, and she asks me not to give up on her in regards to this. But we’ve been in this state for 5 years and we’re in our 40’s, and without the compersion aspect of the kink, there is no kink to me. It feels empty and it makes me sad.

She wants to continue. I want to continue. But her sharing in the desire of the kink is what makes Hotwifing so, well, hot and desirable for me as the stag. Without that I don’t want to continue. And it seems she’s just not able to desire other men. 

I’m so conflicted and would like to hear the thoughts from mature couples.