I really don’t know why today of all days (maybe because I am now entering my second 3rd for consideration this Friday) I feel I need to vent a little. I see a lot of people asking for advice on the HWLS and maybe if I get my thoughts across it may help someone. I don’t come on the forum a lot, mainly hubby does, but today, I don’t know why I’m here.

First of all, hubby suggested this HWLS 10 years ago! I am a strict catholic girl on marriage and monogamy. I actually thought it was his way to gather evidence for him to take the kids from me. How about that for dark thoughts! He brought it up from time to time, in and out of sexual context. If he saw me with a guy he thought I liked and sometimes with our venturing into our sexy talk we started. I shot him down of the idea every single time to a point we just wouldn't be sexual for months at a time. We loved each other, but I didn't understand how he thought (still really don’t).

Before I go on though. I must say this. your relationship has to be better than rock solid. I mean concreted with 100% trust in each other and 100% open communication AT ALL TIMES (happy, sad, horny, angry) at all times! Say what you need to say and being open and get it out regardless. Deal with it like mature adults and move on, learn, improve. I found if I or my hubby hold it in, it creates problems and anxiety. It's about adult play outside of the indoctrinated thought process. I honestly do not think this would have worked 10 years ago, now is the right time for both of us.

Why now, why am I speaking about this...Our current and my very first 3rd can't fit into our busy schedule anymore. I love him to bits, but it isn't working for the 3 of us. So, I am now considering another (coffee this week) and whether or not it works out I don’t know, but right now, this minute, he fits everything hubby and I have dreamed of. so much so it's scary. This looks like the real deal and looks like it will go very long term. he likes to chat to hubby and has time for him, he chats to me separately. Hubby and I seem to both like him, he seems to like us and understands what we want.

So, is it the right thing to do for our 17yr marriage? I still have my demons, I'm barely 6 months into the LS (9 months in for chatting to other guys). I am not into hook-ups, I need a connection mentally and physically. Is our 3rd replacing my husband, f##k no. NEVER! He is not a tool either, he is a human being, and his needs are considered as well. It will be a mutual understanding of what WE ALL want out of this, and I will NOT move forward unless we all agree on that. I'm a tough cookie to crack.

So why did I do this? Hubby went through hell and back and he came to me with open arms asking if I would seriously consider it. He has been given a 'lifespan'. It wasn't the reason why I am considering it, maybe a little. Though I was actually and genuinely interested! I only had a couple of partners before hubby, so I went away and did some research for myself, he helped with some of it, I did the rest. So, I thought, why not dip my toe in. Bear in mind my super strict upbringing, this was not and still isn't far from easy and only last week I thought I can’t do this anymore. the search is too hard.

Then hubby, out of the blue, said, hey what about this guy? he was our age, respectful, mature, a little funny and he makes me laugh, plus career orientated and can fit into our schedule. So, I decided to at least have a chat, So far, he has won me over, the coffee remains to be had in a few days, I need a good physical attraction. I have seen photos, but we all know they can differ to the actual person in real life. Hubby apparently put up a post or two and had over 60 replies. Only 4 made the cut, I was ghosted by one, 2 didn't want to be exclusive, and it left our current guy who was actually our first pick anyway.

So, you ask, why? even though last week I was about to dump it all...It makes my husband happy to see me happy as he says. He can't always perform and a girls gotta eat, lol. It makes me happy to see him happy me doing this. I admit, I like the attention another guy I like gives me. and I think I like being watched by hubby, well I know I do. Those 'first time' feels of being desired, those first time chills of being wanted like a woman and not being a mother all the time. Knowing my hubby has 100% trust that I will not leave him and that I love him more than anything in this world and he loves me. Knowing this is our thing, not a me thing. He WILL ALWAYS be present, I will never do solo visits. Even though hubby said it might be okay if that’s what I wanted, but I know he doesn’t really want that. Yes, maybe a solo session with him in the next room watching or listening, but never leaving me by myself. I don’t want that either.

Will I keep doing this? maybe not, the whole process is exhausting to be honest. Not compared to what I have seen hubby go through vetting them all. From disgusting to abusive, to ghosting and photo collectors, it bloody hard work for him. Then if they get through to me, it’s still a challenge for both of us.

I have my emotional ups and downs, but I admit, my body doesn't lie to me. It’s exhilarating, I am horny most of the time and my mind is almost always thinking about it (it never used to). Does it feel weird that having other guys want to f##k me, actually makes me want my hubby more than ever? I may never overcome the emotional 'roller coaster' that my hubby calls it. I may switch off from the HWLS and then switch it back on. For now, I am in (coffee depending) for the ride, is it the last one? I don’t know. Is this guy the real deal and will he be around for years to come? (right now, fingers crossed)

I'll leave with this for those interested in advice.... COMMUNICATION above everything. be on the same page at ALL TIMES, ABOUT EVERYTHING (desires, do's and don'ts, boundaries for the both of you). If my 3rd chats to me on snap, I let my hubby know every single time. and if he wants to read them, he can at any time (he just chooses not to). If we have issues or desires, hubby and I talk morning and night. We check in with each other all the time, reassure each other. BE HONEST and UPFRONT, get it out right now. Don't live your life wondering 'what if'. but if either one of you don’t want to do this, then it doesn't go any further and respect that. My husband did for 10 years!

If you cannot honestly live without it, move on to someone who can. Apart from the usual important requirements in a 3rd that you may have, don’t ever do it unless you are 100% sure.

LASTLY...this is as important as communication. AFTERCARE....regardless, both of you need different things and I have learnt what hubby needs leading up to and after a session with a 3rd and he has learnt what I need. Do not neglect this at ANYTIME! EVER! Loving cuddles and affection are crucial.

This has been for us, the best thing for our marriage and I love what it has done for us. I believe we are both doing this for the right reasons for right now. My sexual growth in the last 6 months has been nothing short of massive, life changing and wonderful. If it changes, then we will communicate it. Right now, I have my fingers crossed this week our possible new 3rd and I will spark a fire. If we don't, we will both be honest and move on, take a break and look again in the new year. But I do feel good about it so far :)