I’ve been married for 10 years and we have two kids, the youngest born 8 months ago. Lately, I’ve felt like I’m not enough for my husband sexually. He comments on thicker women (I’m petite) and even texted a friend after our baby was born that “fucking the same girl gets old.” He rarely initiates sex, and I’m the one who usually does. We’ve had trust issues before; he’s texted sex workers but claims it never went beyond that, which I believe, but it still hurt.

Recently, he suggested a stag/vixen relationship, where he’d watch me with another man. It wasn’t my idea, and initially, I didn’t want to see a guy alone—I wanted my husband to be there. But I found the guy we chose very attractive, so I went through with doing it alone, thinking it might reignite our spark. We established boundaries: I could text the guy on my phone, and my husband would read the conversations. My husband was aware of and approved of everything, including the possibility that I might develop some feelings. He was okay with me staying overnight, and I asked him not to text me that night so I could focus on the moment.

The night didn’t go as planned. The guy kept me out of the hotel room most of the night, and when we finally did have sex, I was very drunk. We had sex with the lights off, and he wasn’t fully hard. He didn’t seem physically attracted to me in person. My husband started texting me, asking me to come home, and eventually called the police and hotel security to get me. I was embarrassed and upset. I texted the guy afterward, saying I felt a connection and wanted to continue seeing him, but I deleted the text because I didn’t want my husband to see it.

My husband was conflicted—upset that I stayed overnight and that I deleted the texts, but also turned on by what happened. A few days later, I realized I was developing feelings for the guy for whatever reason (personally I think it was the love bombing the living fuck out of me then him pulling away that left me feeling almost heartbroken in a weird FWB way??), so I ended things with him. I deleted the texts breaking up with the guy because I just wanted it to be over, but my husband got really mad about it, just like he did when I deleted the texts after leaving the hotel.

Now, I’m feeling overwhelmed with guilt and confusion. I feel so bad for deleting the texts and for developing feelings. On top of that, I’m also feeling sad and confused about the bull. He really turned me on and got me excited, but then he wanted to spend most of the night out of the hotel room. He never complimented me in person, didn’t do anything sexual toward me—I was the one who came onto him when we started having sex—you’d think we were just friends. Was he not attracted to me? I just don’t get it. He saw so many pics of me before meeting up, we even shared nudes…I don’t understand

I’ve started therapy for my OCD, which this situation made me realize I need. I’m just looking for advice on how to move forward from this. How can I reconcile my feelings and figure out what to do next?