So there’s 2 parts to this story - the conflict with my husband and the strange behavior from the bull

We’ve been together for 10 years and have two kids. Our most recent child was born 8 months ago. Over the last two years, there’s been an ongoing theme of me feeling like I’m not enough sexually. My husband often comments on thick women, while I am thin and petite. After I gave birth, he texted his friend that “fucking the same girl gets old.” I’m usually the one who has to initiate sex; he rarely initiates or shows much desire for me, which could be because we’ve been together for a long time. We do have sex, but I’m typically the one who initiates. We went to couples therapy about this as recently as three months ago.

We’ve also had trust issues in the past. My husband has texted with sex workers, although he claims it never went beyond texting. I believe him, but I still felt betrayed. This, combined with my own feelings of insecurity, has been difficult to navigate. I also have OCD, specifically pure O, so when something bad happens, I can’t stop thinking about it for weeks until the anxiety subsides.

My husband then brought up the idea of a stag/vixen relationship, saying he wanted to see me with a big cock. To say this idea turned him on is an understatement. He was so into it that, although it wasn’t my idea, I went along with it, thinking it might help reignite our sexual spark. It turned me on too. I agreed, but with conditions: it turns me on, but only if my husband is in the room, and no regular partners.

We continued to fantasize about it. My husband even suggested I meet a random stranger and give him head in our car without him present. Even though I had said I didn’t want to do it alone, in the heat of the moment, I went along with the fantasy. At this point, it was still just a fantasy. And even though I wasn’t the one to initiate it, it turned me on. We spent weeks fantasizing about it every night.

My husband then downloaded an app to find a third person and created a profile for us as a couple. We found a guy I liked. I was very sexually attracted to him, and he was fully aware of our situation. My intention was to have sex with him once, with my husband present. I never wanted to text the guy by myself. I never wanted a bull. But with my husband’s consent, I did text him, figuring it would be easier than constantly using my husband’s phone. My husband was completely okay with this and would read our conversations.

As the weeks went by before meeting, the anticipation and passion built up intensely. The bull would say incredibly sexual things to me that would turn me on like crazy. There was so much lust and excitement. I was infatuated. He made me crave him, and I was so looking forward to our meetup. My husband and I even thought he could potentially be a regular, as long as we maintained clear boundaries to avoid getting too attached. My husband was aware of and approved of every plan for our meetup, including the possibility that I might develop some feelings for the bull. He was okay with me sleeping at the hotel, and I specifically asked him not to text me that night because I wanted to focus on the moment, which he was fine with.

However, when we finally met up at the hotel, things didn’t go as I expected. He actually kept me out of the hotel room for almost the entire night. He wanted to go to a restaurant, then a bar, and even the hotel pool. I suggested we stay in the hotel for takeout and then just stay there to fuck, but he insisted on taking me out. Both of us are shy, so in the moment, I thought he just wanted to do something to make us both feel comfortable with each other.

When we finally did have sex, it only happened after I made the first move (I vaguely remember because of how drunk I was). He kept the lights off, and we did it from behind. It felt so different from the intense buildup we had over texts. Meanwhile, I was drinking a lot, more than I usually do, and I ended up getting blackout drunk.

In the middle of the night, my husband started texting me, saying he missed me and wanted me to come home. I didn’t respond right away because I was drunk and had told him not to text me during the night. But he became increasingly anxious and called me, begging me to leave. I pleaded with him to let me stay because I didn’t want to end the night like that. It felt like I was getting caught cheating, even though we had agreed on this. Things escalated when my husband called the police and had hotel security come up to the room to get me. It was a horrible, embarrassing situation.

I was very drunk and upset at what had happened. As I was leaving the hotel, I texted the guy, apologizing for having to leave, saying I felt like we had a real connection, that I wanted to keep having sex with him, and that I was sad to leave. I deleted the text because I didn’t want my husband to see it—obviously a mistake.

My husband was both upset and turned on by what happened. He was upset because he missed me and didn’t want me to sleep over. He felt betrayed. But he was also turned on by the thought of the guy being with me. So you can imagine the conflicting thoughts. It was a mess of a day. I cried so much because of how sad he was, but I was also conflicted because technically I didn’t do anything wrong except delete the text, which I told him about. Even though the night ended on a horrible note, he was still turned on, and so was I. We agreed that I could continue talking to the guy, but we would avoid dates, sleepovers, and alcohol.

A few days later, the guy texted me and asked if I remembered what I texted him that night. My husband read the text, as he had been doing all week (I prefer for him to see our conversations). He got upset and asked what I said. I had previously told him about the text but gave an extremely generalized version (I said I thanked the guy for the great night). After he read the guy’s text, I told him the details of what I had actually said. He was upset that I had hidden it. It was a mistake for me to do that. It was not right. I was very drunk, leaving the hotel in a horrible situation after being escorted downstairs by security, and I was upset. That’s not an excuse, but I deleted the text so he wouldn’t see it, which was wrong.

After that, I decided to cut things off with the guy. My husband and I got into a very big fight because I had hidden the details of the text and deleted it in the first place, even though he knew I had deleted it the day after it happened. Then I explained to my husband that I think I’m catching feelings for the guy. I told him that a guy took me out, said sweet things to me, and lusted after me—all of which are things I want from my husband. I was getting that from the bull, and that made me start getting attached.

At this point, the timeframe from the hotel incident to this night was six days. After reflecting on my feelings and realizing I liked the guy more than was comfortable for me, I bawled my eyes out to my husband, who also got sad. I texted the guy and told him that I couldn’t keep seeing him because I had started to develop feelings for him. I told him I liked him too much. He replied, “This is odd. We have barely talked this week hahaha…” The level of embarrassment I felt was overwhelming. I also explained that my husband and I had just gotten into an argument about it and decided it was best to cut things off. He said okay. I deleted that exchange after sending it because I wanted the situation to be over and done with. My husband was livid that I deleted it. He wanted to see it with his own eyes. I regret deleting it—I should have let him see. He accused me of lying and omitting details, but I deleted it because I wanted to be done with it and close the book.

After getting into an explosive argument over this, I expressed my belief that if he hadn’t brought this idea up, I would have never done it. This was completely out of character for me. I was falling into his fantasy, which I also happened to enjoy, but had never really thought about before. I got caught up in the emotions of it. Now I am beside myself with guilt. I feel horrible. I feel like deleting the texts was a mistake, and developing feelings was a mistake. I consider myself to be a very good mother and wife. I am a stay-at-home mom. I love my family more than anything. How did this happen? How am I even feeling right now? Did I actually do something wrong? We agreed to this… How do I even process this? I am lost. I’ve been crying all day, and I’ve had anxiety attacks. I don’t know what to do or what to feel.

My husband accepts part of the culpability in this, but I’m still struggling to process it all. The positive thing is that this situation made me get help for my OCD. I have my first appointment on Tuesday. I’m just looking for advice and insight on how to move forward from this. How can I process everything that’s happened, and how do I reconcile these conflicting emotions?