We’ve been together for 10 years and have two kids. Our most recent child was born 8 months ago. We’ve had trust issues, particularly because my husband has texted with sex workers in the past, although he claims it never went beyond texting. I believe him, but I still felt betrayed. Over the last two years, there’s been an ongoing theme of me feeling like I’m not enough sexually. He often comments on thick women, while I am thin and petite. After I gave birth 8 months ago, he texted his friend that “fucking the same girl gets old.” I’m usually the one who has to initiate sex; he rarely initiates or shows much desire for me, which could be because we’ve been together a long time. We do have sex, but I’m typically the one who initiates. We went to couples therapy about this as recently as three months ago. I also have OCD, specifically pure O, so when something bad happens, I can’t stop thinking about it for weeks until the anxiety subsides.

My husband brought up the idea of a stag/vixen relationship, saying he wanted to see me with a big cock. To say this idea turned him on is an understatement. He was so into it that, although it wasn’t my idea, I went along with it, thinking it might help reignite our sexual spark. It turned me on too. I agreed, but with conditions: it turns me on, but only if my husband is in the room, and no regular partners.

We continued to fantasize about it. My husband even suggested I meet a random stranger and perform oral sex in our car without him present. Even though I had said I didn’t want to do it alone, in the heat of the moment, I went along with the fantasy. At this point, it was still just a fantasy. We spent weeks fantasizing about it every night. My husband then downloaded an app to find a third person and created a profile for us as a couple. We found a guy I liked.

I was very sexually attracted to him, and he was fully aware of our situation. My intention was to have sex with him once, with my husband present. I never wanted to text the guy by myself. I never wanted a bull. But with my husband’s consent, I did text him, figuring it would be easier than constantly using my husband’s phone. My husband was completely okay with this and would read our conversations.

Eventually, we decided to try establishing this guy as a regular. My husband and I were fully aware that for there to be passion, feelings might develop, but we tried to be clear that I couldn’t get too attached. This guy was texting me a lot, saying very sexy things that turned me on so much. At this point, everyone involved was on the same page. I was going to meet him alone. I changed my mind because I really liked the guy; he made me so horny that I wanted to be with him alone, without my husband there, and film it to show my husband.

The day to meet up came, but he canceled. We rescheduled for the following week. Long story short, he got a hotel, and I slept over. My husband was okay with it. We didn’t establish specific boundaries for how much I would drink, but my husband was okay with me drinking during the night. I’m a lightweight and rarely drink, so the amount that put me over the edge was probably less than what is normal for most people. As a result, I ended up drinking too much, which led to me blacking out for part of the night. My husband was texting me, but I didn’t answer because I was so drunk, and also because I had told him not to text me.

In the middle of the night, he decided he wanted me to come home. He said he missed me. He called and begged me to come home. I pleaded with him to let me stay because I was drunk and didn’t want him to pick me up with our kids in the middle of the night. I didn’t want them to see me that way, and I didn’t want to end the night on that note. Although I wasn’t cheating, it felt like I got caught cheating and was being sent home. He even called the police and had hotel security come to get me. It was awful.

When my husband called, the guy and I were having sex. I ended up leaving after the phone conversation and the security coming up. I was very drunk and upset at the situation. As I was walking to the lobby, I texted the guy, apologizing for having to leave, saying I felt like we had a real connection, that I wanted to keep having sex with him, and that I was sad to leave. I deleted the text because I didn’t want my husband to see it—obviously a mistake.

My husband was both upset and turned on by what happened. He was upset because he missed me and didn’t want me to sleep over. He felt betrayed. But he was also turned on by the thought of the guy being with me. So you can imagine the conflicting thoughts. It was a mess of a day. I cried so much because of how sad he was, but I was also conflicted because technically I didn’t do anything wrong except delete the text, which I told him about. Even though the night ended on a horrible note, he was still turned on, and so was I. We agreed that I could continue talking to the guy, but we would avoid dates, sleepovers, and alcohol.

Throughout the week, I continued texting the guy, but the conversations dried up. He didn’t seem as interested. We reestablished boundaries, and he was okay with them, and so was my husband—no dates, no sleepovers, no catching feelings. However, as the week progressed, I realized I might be developing feelings for this guy. I thought about him constantly and wanted him to text me back. I wanted to be with him so badly. My husband was still upset, and we both were, especially because of how the night at the hotel ended. He said he felt excluded but that it was okay if we kept talking as long as we maintained boundaries.

A few days later, the guy texted me and asked if I remembered what I texted him that night. My husband read the text, as he had been doing all week (I prefer for him to see our conversations). He got upset and asked what I said. I had previously told him about the text but gave an extremely generalized version (I said I thanked the guy for the great night). After he read the guy’s text, I told him the details of what I had actually said. He was upset that I had hidden it. It was a mistake for me to do that. It was not right. I was very drunk, leaving the hotel in a horrible situation after being escorted downstairs by security, and I was upset. That’s not an excuse, but I deleted the text so he wouldn’t see it, which was wrong.

After that, I decided to cut things off with the guy. My husband and I got into a very big fight because I had hidden the details of the text and deleted it in the first place, even though he knew I had deleted it the day after it happened. Then I explained to my husband that I think I’m catching feelings for the guy. I told him that a guy took me out, said sweet things to me, and lusted after me—all of which are things I want from my husband. I was getting that from the bull, and that made me start getting attached.

At this point, the timeframe from the hotel incident to this night was six days. After reflecting on my feelings and realizing I liked the guy more than was comfortable for me, I bawled my eyes out to my husband, who also got sad. I texted the guy and told him that I couldn’t keep seeing him because I had started to develop feelings for him. I told him I liked him too much. He replied, “This is odd. We have barely talked this week hahaha…” The level of embarrassment I felt was overwhelming. I also explained that my husband and I had just gotten into an argument about it and decided it was best to cut things off. He said okay. I deleted that exchange after sending it because I wanted the situation to be over and done with. My husband was livid that I deleted it. He wanted to see it with his own eyes. I regret deleting it—I should have let him see. He accused me of lying and omitting details, but I deleted it because I wanted to be done with it and close the book.

After getting into an explosive argument over this, I expressed my belief that if he hadn’t brought this idea up, I would have never done it. This was completely out of character for me. I was falling into his fantasy, which I also happened to enjoy, but had never really thought about before. I got caught up in the emotions of it. Now I am beside myself with guilt. I feel horrible. I feel like deleting the texts was a mistake, and developing feelings was a mistake. I consider myself to be a very good mother and wife. I am a stay-at-home mom. I love my family more than anything. How did this happen? How am I even feeling right now? Did I actually do something wrong? We agreed to this... How do I even process this? I am lost. I’ve been crying all day, and I’ve had anxiety attacks. I don’t know what to do or what to feel.

The positive thing is that this situation made me get help for my OCD. I have my first appointment on Tuesday.