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I will highly appreciate your amazing support, sorry for the long post…we are in LS for the past 5 years, started with MFM, moved to solo play 3 years ago, but it was almost always ONS. Recently I got turned on from the idea of her having a boyfriend, and it led her to publish an add in Feeld that she is looking for one as a HW. We put the headline "boyfriend" but I think we missed discussing about what is the meaning of it. TBH during the fantasy phase I got turned on from her being longing to have again sex with the same person, and it felt to me that from her perspective it is appealing from the possibility to removing the condom after STD test, as it really turns her on. Moving forward….she got contacted by a really nice guy who ticks all the boxes. He has a girlfriend who allows him to have sex with other women, and emotionally he stated that he feels secure, and that he wishes to find someone for his sexual kinks as he is a dom. Although my wife is not sub, they had really good connection in messages, and also were talking on the phone in the evening while she was taking the dogs. We were both highly horny from the situation and it felt very different for both of us, and I ll add that usually we are not getting excited prior to an encounter. However, after few days of high, I started to feel insecurity, worried that I gave her the wrong green light, and that she is going to have a falling in love relationship, and that that she gets more into the poly concept rather than the HW. I am worried to feel as the second best, or that its not really led by both of us, but more by their dynamics, than ours. I raised my concerns by saying that I see the boyfriend more as a regular, with the focus on sex, and she said that she wants to be able to like the guy….I am happy with her being "like the guy", but I am worried that for her is more "I am actually in love and would like to have a parallel relationship."
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We have a very solid relationship, we have a daughter and we are a happy family. I think there are many advantageous for a regular, and I would like to give it a try, and wish to know how did you manage the challenges of having a boyfriend?
I ll add that I wonder whether the new territory is the main reason form my insecurity. Many thanks in advance for your reply.
Couple of thoughts...
- If you both don't have a therapist versed in non-monogamy - you should probably retain one for each of you. It will help you manage and process your expectations and emotions. Also will give you a 30,000 foot view of what to expect. It's NEVER what the cuckold expects. There are things you can't possibly know. Redditors don't have the experience nor the necessarily ETHICAL outlook required for you to make informed decisions.
Find a therapist here. Look for ones listed with experience in swinging (they'll be familiar with ethical non-monogamy even if you aren't swingers).
https://www.kapprofessionals.org/business-directory-2/
2) If his GF is not monogamous and he is not exclusive with your wife - there is STI risk. Also, you will never know if he is banging other women, going to swinger parties, etc.
3) He's a dominant - that's going to be a problem. They tend to be very controlling and influence the women they are with. If she proceeds she needs to be clear she's not a submissive and that her husband comes first - no fucking with the marriage or making unreasonable requests. I'm a soft dominant. I've seen too many relationships go into the toilet because the wife becomes the lover's submissive. It happens.
Also, if he's looking for someone to fulfill that side for him - he won't be happy with your wife. He's looking for a submissive and he'll do all he can to turn your wife into that. While it sounds sexy to some people the reality is HARSH. Don't sign up for that.
You need to discuss everything beforehand and ask your wife if this is something she is interested in. And if so, does she feel you can provide that for her? You need to discuss your limit on her not being his submissive.
4) IF you ARE NOT openly and transparently sharing your concerns PRIOR to her starting then you are NOT ready. You should be able to communicate your fears and apprehensions BEFORE this kicks off. IF you don't have the communication and trust and empathy to discuss this then DO NOT DO IT. Bringing up things after the fact will result in her feeling it's jealousy and your problem to deal with your own insecurities.
Be sure to tell her POLY is off the table. She can have him as a boyfriend, but you as husband come first. Tell her you aren't splitting finances, he's not moving in, etc. Tell her you expect you and the family to remain her priority.
NOTE: I'm married to a cuckquean. I have a dedicated exclusive GF. It's very nice, but I will tell you that it requires a LOT of work for everyone involved. Jealousy is going to happen, feelings are going to get hurt. It's inevitable.
I'm dominant with my GF. Her husband sometimes doesn't like the influence I have on her. She loves the dominance because her husband is simply not dominant at all. She would never want her husband to act like that. BUt since I am a boyfriend, she does things with me she'd never do with him. You wouldn't take a Jeep Wrangler and try to win the indy 500. Different people are suited to different things. I am not dominant with my wife. She's the dominant in our relationship which is a female led relationship. I have very rough sex with my GF, but would never do the things I do with my wife that I do with her.
Some things I'd suggest - have them both take the myers-briggs personality test and their attachment style (which should be secure). You should be taking both of these as well. If you are primarily fearful avoidant or anxious avoidant, then do not do this. Your relationship isn't strong enough for this if you aren't better than 50% secure score.
https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/
It is astounding how few people looking for a FWB don't even bother doing this basic groundwork.
FINAL THOUGHT: You also need to realize that there is no influence you can exert once she's with a dominant male lover. You can try, but she's going to be wrapped up in this new relationship energy. You need to be sure that you both are clear on what your goals for this relationship are and what the expectations will be.
If you want a divorce, then just go into this thinking you can "wing it". Fact is, you most likely cannot. You have a daughter - so you need to think of what is best for her. Mommy and daddy breaking up or fighting over this is NOT a good look. Hope you both take me seriously. My 30 years of experience in this might be something you want to listen to... I've seen this play out dozens of times. The end is almost always the same.
It rarely ends in the bedroom, dominance is a head game and emotional more than it's physical. And it's a hard hit for a husband to realize his wife is a subby slut for someone else doing whatever they demand in bed, but has the audacity to push back with him and want him to treat her like a princess. It's just a bad idea all around.
It sounds hot in porn addicted fantasy. But the reality is it will fuck up a marriage quickly. Especially if the wife is never pleasing and submissive with him. He'll feel jilted and jealous.
I'm speaking from experience. An embarrassing amount of it.
The third NEVER calls the shots. That's the wife's job. On the "No dates" thing, I think that depends on the dynamic everyone is comfortable with... If it's a FWB, they should be able to go and do the things friends do. Like say go to a concert or art gallery opening together. Dinner out on the town. I'm a married third... so it cuts both ways when it comes to time allotment.
I'd also remind them that there are plenty of fish in the sea. The first one you find may not be the best fit. In this case it seems like it's not. Dominants are known to have an undue influence on wives. I'd back away if I were them.
Find an amazing therapist on the kink aware professionals directory.
If you fail to prepare, you better be prepared to fail.
https://www.kapprofessionals.org/business-directory-2/
Also spot on about the guys not realizing what it takes. If you aren't the very best version of yourself- it's gonna be a lonely road.
I wish more of these wannabe's would talk to a therapist versed in ENM so that they would really know what they are getting into. I suspect they are embarrassed to bring it up, but therapist aren't there to judge you. They are there to say "Have you read Polysecure by Jessica Fern" yet? Have you considered the following things before diving in? Have you taken an attachment style test to see if this is a disaster waiting to happen for either of you?
But many do not. You are absolutely correct on the chipping away. Dominants don't know how to be any other way. And it's in our nature to lead and influence. Another problem is the whole "going poly" thing. It does end in divorce most of the time. Once you strip away all the benefits of being married and have NOTHING but LIABILITIES... marriage is a pointless legal ensnarement.
Most guys think "POLY" I can fuck all the women I want and it's not cheating. What they don't realize are some very important things:
1) Women fuck who they want, men fuck who they can. Open relationships HEAVILY favor the women. Go to Hedo (swinger resort in Jamaica)... you'll see all the average dudes with dad bods get ignored for all the ripped guys. They sit around the bar or the pool drinking beer while the wives all share the really cute sexy guys. Unless you are fucking charming and gorgeous - as a guy you aren't going to be laying all the ladies.
2) If you do get another partner, that means twice the work - twice the effort. Twice the energy. I have a GF and WIFE... I would know. It's fucking hard hard work. I asked my friend Tank about it who has been married to two women for over 20 years. He said, what you do for one, you do for all. And then said "You gonna die tired... happy... but tired."
3) Pitching that you are poly or in an open relationship to women is a challenging selling point. They usually are looking for a nesting partner. They are not looking to be #2 in any man's life. You'll also be confused with swingers which already have a pretty ugly stigma amongst the general population.
4) You can't depend on her availability. She's going to make plans without you and you are going to be sitting at home while she's out with someone else. Sounds great from a cucking standpoint until the reality hits you that you are no longer her priority and she's out having fun with someone else and NOT you. Once you ejaculate and that post nut clarity hits you - try to remember that her seeing another man means she's going to not have the same time to spend on YOUR relationship and MARRIAGE.
If these cucks spent ANY time talking to a therapist, they'd hear all of this and probably heavily weigh out whether or not they wanted to be cucks seriously. Maybe leave it in fantasy only or go the Faux-Cucking route - where the wife PRETENDS to be dating someone but in reality takes the day for self care.
Also it never fails to surprise me that people think they can "wing it" and willfully choose to go into these situations blind with no idea of what they are really getting into. The collateral impact ripples through every part of your marriage. But hey, as long as the dude gets his porn fantasy and get's his nut off. Who cares what gets messed up along the way? Or who gets hurt? Like kids when ya get divorced.
As a third who is a soft dominant, I think all that submission, degrading and humiliation needs to exist ONLY in the negotiated scene in the bedroom - but never outside the bedroom setting (or other room ya fuck in). It should also not be allowed to bleed over into regular everyday sex. Only allowed when two or more parties agree to it EVERY TIME.
Otherwise, she's going to stop seeing you as her man... and more like just a man who she can't respect.
I'd propose that you can hold on to your dominance while being devoted (versus submissive). Too many people think there is either only dominant/submissive. But there are so many other options. I prefer to be called "devoted" to my wife and marriage. I'm in a FLR and it's because it makes my life so much better and easier. I don't have to carry the weight of thinking and planning everything out. She's got that. She enjoys it. But nobody would ever call me submissive over it. It might help that I am natural soft dominant though.
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Good luck. Figured you could use some reality based advice. It's going to be a lot of work. Hope you are both ready. If not, walk away until you are ready.