Long post--sorry about that! The actual questions are in the last 3 paragraphs. The rest is background info.

So my wife and I might be ready to dip our toes in, under the right circumstances. But I think what we'd be looking for might be unrealistic. Any advice from you cool cats can only be super helpful for us.

I'll try to keep the backstory brief. I'm 40M, she is 43F, we have kids. We've been married for over 15 years and neither of us has ever been sexual with anyone else. We have always been very sexually... traditional, shall we say.

About a year ago my wife approached me, on the verge of tears, and confessed that a year or so before she had (on her phone, unbeknownst to me) seen a TV episode that was about swapping, was turned on by it, and found some other stuff to watch. She came to me after she had a vivid dream about meeting a couple and having sex with the guy, and masturbating herself to orgasm when she woke up from it.

She said she was wracked with guilt about this and felt she needed to confess it to me so we can move past it. I assured her that it didn't bother me, it's just fantasies.

About 6 months ago the subject came up again. She confessed that it's still something she thinks about but she would never do it because she can't stand the idea of me being with another woman, and obviously it wouldn't be right for her to play around but not want me to. This was the perfect opportunity for me to say that while I don't have any interest in swinging/swapping (which I don't), I actually am turned on by the idea of her being with another guy. This was a hard concept for her to wrap her mind around, but I explained how her pleasure is what drives me wild. She still wasn't comfortable with the idea, so we let it drop. And here's the thing--our sex life is already GREAT. We have dynamite sex, at least twice a week. She squirts like crazy, screams into a pillow, and cums multiple times every time we go at it. Our sex life is better than ever after almost two decades of marriage.

A few days ago she came to me and asked if I was really serious when I said it didn't bother me if she were to have sex with another guy. I told her my feelings haven't changed, the idea still turns me on. She said she wants to try it, but she's afraid of a dozen different things that could go wrong. She admits that she wonders (even occasionally fantasizes) about what sex with another man would be like. But she's very afraid of jeopardizing what we have. Which I get, I feel that trepidation too. She also is worried that she's not attractive anymore because she is somewhat overweight. I just laugh at that--she's a busty blonde. When I'm out with her almost every male she passes takes a lingering look. I actually think being enthusiastically fucked by a hot younger guy (her favorite fantasy) might do wonders for her confidence.

We spent most of the night talking it over. She has very specific requirements for how it would have to go down for her to be comfortable. She would want it to be a stranger and strictly a one time thing (because she doesn't want to catch feelings). She wants me to be present but not participating. (I was surprised by this but it's a safety thing for her too.) Any partner would need a very recent negative STD panel. We are both very concerned that our sex life remain private--our social life is among a straitlaced crowd. So finding a partner would be tricky. It would probably involve getting a hotel in a city a couple hours away and trying to do it on the fly.

But the trickiest thing is, she doesn't know if when the time came she could actually be able to go all the way through with sex. She thinks she might get only as far as making out or stimulation with someone else and then decide she can't go further. All that's to say, she would only try this with a guy who was willing to accept the possibility of being left blueballed (or something like finishing himself and cumming on her tits at best). That seems to us like maybe not a reasonable thing to expect someone to be okay with?

I didn't say it to her, but I know her sexually very very well, and I'm certain that if she's into it, if the guy has any idea at all what he's doing, she'll end up begging him to fuck her. But all the same, he would still have to be cool with the possibility of not getting to fuck her.

Is it realistic to try to find a partner for her under these constraints? How would we even go about it without risking someone we know happening to find out? We are both willing to just let it go and leave it in the realm of fantasy/roleplay if it's not.

Thanks reddit!