As I flipped through some old journals from college, I came across an entry that caught my eye. It was dated over ten years ago, when my partner and I were still young adults living at home with our parents. Reading through the pages, I realized that this was the moment when “John” and I first discovered the kink that would bring us together for the following decades. But despite the lack of information available, we knew that we wanted to discover different things. Back in 2001, high-speed internet and smartphones were not yet a thing. We were using dial-up connections and typing on clunky desktop computers. The idea of researching anything online seemed like a daunting task, but we were determined to learn more about this new lifestyle we had discovered. At the time, there wasn't even a term for what we were doing (not to our knowledge), let alone any resources or communities dedicated to exploring this world. I thought it would be fun to share that journal entry. 

July 27th, 2001 Yesterday, we were fooling around in my bed, and things were going great. Because I had just finished reading Menage, I finally worked up the courage to talk to him about it. I sat him down and told him everything. Ever since I started reading this book, I’ve been fantasizing about having sex with other men. At first, he didn't understand what I was talking about, but then we had a pretty deep conversation about it. He asked me what it meant to be shared with another guy, and he got really excited. 

We were lying in my shitty single bed when he asked me to make up a story about me hooking up with a random guy at a bar. I told him about how I went out clubbing with Kate and started flirting with the first guy that came up to me. I told him what I was wearing, described how we made out, how we danced, how he fingered my wet pussy in the corner of the dance floor, and how I blew him and fucked him in his car. When I told him how my mystery man came in me, he didn’t even have the time to pull out that he came in me. Holy shit! We both agree that this story led to the best sex we’ve ever had.

I know it’s dumb, but since yesterday, I feel like our love for each other has grown even stronger. Looking back and reading through those old journals from college, I realized that our journey as a couple had not only defined us individually but also as a unit. Today, I’m simultaneously a mom with a “vanilla” career and a long-time hotwife who decided a few months ago that it would be a fun experience to share sexual exploits online. It's challenging, but it's also empowering. 

Never did I think I was going to be a 42-year-old woman posting videos online being fucked by NOT MY HUSBAND. I was never that girl. I have always been the shy one with few friends. Throughout the last 24 years, we've learned to communicate openly and honestly with one another, and we continue to explore new kinks together. Sharing our experiences publicly comes with its challenges, but it also allows us to reflect on where we've come from and where we are now. Living this “secret” lifestyle has led us to discover new resources and communities dedicated to exploring this kinky world. I stopped journaling around 22 years ago, but I’m thinking that picking it up again will be therapeutic and entertaining, both for me and for whoever is interested in reading it. Danielle xx