To start off our relationship has always been rock solid, we always communicate exceedingly well, and we have a very healthy and active sex life. I'd caution anyone to even think about the HW lifestyle if you do not have a foundationally good relationship with your partner, and this true of probably any sort of open relationship. My experience and advice will only be applicable to people that have a healthy relationship that they are looking to enhance, so if your sex life is dead, or if you and your partner fight, seriously look at relationship guidance first before dreaming about the HW fantasy.

With that out of the way, the idea of sharing my my wife only started to pop up maybe about four years ago when we took an extended holiday cruise with a good friend couple of ours. There was lots of sun, alcohol, bikinis, and fun friendly banter between the four of us on this trip. My good buddy friend in particular is an outright flirt and makes sexual jokes all the time, I totally play along with and even encourage him at times (we half joke about having a gay relationship in front of our female partners all the time like bros do). My friend is by extension very flirty handsy with my wife in a way that I could best describe as a really good friendship sort of dynamic, and I am 100% okay with this. My friend also constantly makes jokes about how we should all sleep together in a giant bed or have group shower time, which is typically laughed off by everyone.

Well after one very long sun and tequila filled day on the cruise we got back to the boat and were all smashed, my friend proceeds to get ready to take a shower with his partner and he yells "group shower time!", then hops in and closes the door to the bathroom. In that moment I seriously wanted to get naked with my wife and hop into the tiny cruise shower with them. I actually remember telling my wife at the time "you want to join them?" and she asked "are you serious?" but not in a dismissive way, more like she was stunned with the question. Well real life isn't as sexy as porn makes thing seem, and long story short we ended up not hoping in the shower with them, but for the next few years I replayed that scenario in my head, and every time that I did all I could think about was my wife being squeezed between me and my friends cocks, and she proceeds to just soak up the attention. After having this fantasy for so long I realized I wanted to see my wife pleasured by other men and to be completely inundated in bliss by another persons touch. In some scenarios I participate, in some I'm simply an observer, in others I and completely absent and she recounts of embracing another mans cock.

**So I have this fantasy how do I tell my wife about it?**

My first attempt at this was pretty horrible, after we had both been drinking a bunch and were in a hot tub I asked her "would you ever want to try and experiment sexually?" (or something to that vein) which was responded with a very immediate and resounding **NO**. I think my wife read that question as "Do you want to have an open relationship?", which obviously is not the best way to break the ice.

Second attempt I decided to try a passive approach, and in the heat of the moment when we were both having sex (and drunk), I planted the idea that I wanted to see other men fuck her. The first time I did this she seemed to be exceedingly turned on by the talk and we had probably the best sex we had in a year. I continued to tell her of this fantasy roleplay on several other occasions, but only when we had been drinking a bunch and were both very very turned on. In hindsight this perhaps wasn't the best way to do it, since people are vulnerable when they are drunk, and they're not always able to process things that are said after the fact. But none the less, she continued to be very turned on by this fantasy, and event would give me confirmations like "yes I want another mans cock in my pussy". In all of these scenarios however by the next morning we would wake up and it was as if all the sexy HW talk never happened, and we continued on with our normal vanilla lives.

Third step I took was to spice up our bedroom life by purchasing accessories, namely two lifelike dildos (one larger then me, and one monster cock, both big sticks). I then proceeded to roleplay scenarios of other men pleasuring her while using the dildos on her. In one scenario I RPed the idea that she would have someone from work randomly fuck her (basically pretended she was cheating on me), this did not work out well at all, and she tried to force herself to play along for a while, but ended up crying and telling me that didn't make her comfortable at all. Lesson learned is that she needs my complete reassurance and needs me to be their in the guidance of these fantasy scenarios. With this in mind I started to RP scenarios that we go out to the bar together and she spots a hunk who's been staring at her all night long, I think tell her to go up and flirt with him, then later we invite him back to our room for fun later. This sort of scenario is something she has been very onboard with, and I can make her orgasm while RPing these type of scenarios, then she'll follow up by saying "okay now it's time for your cock now that I'm all loosened up" WHICH IS SUCH A FUCKING TURN ON.

**She digs the bed fantasy, how do I move to the next base now?**

On the heal of these successful bed roleplayings I thought it was time to have a serious discussion with her about this fantasy. Thinking about how I would approach this also made me come to a very important realization that for as much as we communicate with each other, we never talk about our sex! I honestly have no idea what really turns her on, or what sort of fantasies she has, sure I know how to please her in bed, but it's always because I've initiated and set the tempo. I've never really know what my my wife's tempo is or what her desires are, it's always bee a cause effect dynamic in our sexual relationship.

Doing some research into relationships and sexual drive styles, I quickly realize I have a very high libido aka spontaneous desire, and my wife appears to have the opposite low libido or responsive desire. There is a whole slew of articles and studies you can find online that talk about these two different types of sexual outlooks, but I found the subreddit /r/ResponsiveDesire/ particularly helpful in navigating how I would approach a talk with my wife about sex. I also discovered the [Gotmman app card deck](https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.carddecks&pcampaignid=web\_share) from the well known relationship scientist that wrote the book and relationship dynamics. There are lots of great card games you can play with your partner, but one about sexual topics in particular that can be really helpful to navigate and discover things about you and your partners sexual makeup.

To try and make this already exceedingly long post as short as possible, I'll summarize that I basically had a serious talk with my wife the other night, where I basically explained everything above; these feelings I've had for the last four years, and how that's made me realize I know really nothing about what drives her sexually, and I think there is a good opportunity for both of us to grow ourselves and take our relationship to another level by trying to explore some of the answers to these questions. We ended up going to the Gottman sexual questions and have some really heart felt serious discussions about what drives us. Through the span of an hour and a half I discovered my wife has some insecurities that stem from her religious upbringing where she felt pressured to please me instead of herself (because that's what society has tough her), the result of this is that anytime I would go down on her (which I love to do) she would feel guilty to organism, which is tragically ironic because I ABSOLUTLEY LOVE WHEN I MAKE HER COME WITH MY TOUNGE! So basically for 12 years there has been this stupid social construct that was holding back parts of our sex life, and simply by discovering that with her we are able to make headway on trying to dismantle that, and let her become more liberal and free to think about pleasing herself, and not just others.

**Sweetie, I fantasize about seeing other men please you, here is why.....**

During this super enlightening and powerful talk we're having about sex dynamics, we hit a question about what our sexual fantasies are. And by this stage in our conversation we're both such open books and trustworthy of each other, I have zero hesitation with directly bringing up the HW fantasy, and explaining that I really really want to see her reach maximum pleasure and freedom by having another man please her. After I explain the reasoning I give more or less freedom to act upon any desires she may have, "if you're out of town for work and see a hot guy at the bar, go spark up a conversation with and even flirt if you're comfortable doing that". I told her we're both adults and we have complete trust in one another, and that she can take things as far as she wants so long as she communicates and keeps me in the loop (I GOTTA GET ALL THOSE SWEET DETAILS AND PHOTOS!). But seriously, it's all about trust, and more than anything I trust that if she flirted with a guy or took him to bed, I know at the end of the day she's come home to me, and I'm her one and only man. After I did this I could see this complete expression of understanding and reassurance from her, she said "I think I could do that" as we smiled at each other in complete trust.

Through these discussions she actually came out and let me know she has had an exhibitionism fantasy forever, which was a complete shock to me, and got me thinking that there were some very real overlaps in our fantasies that we could explore together! YAYYYYYYY

So we'll see where this goes, at the end of the day if I can help my wife feel more confident about herself and this stuff stays just bedroom fantasy you know what.... I'm okay with that. My end goal is to empower my partner and make her feel more attractive and confident in herself, and if that leads to hot threesomes and other sexual encounters great! But if it doesn't I wouldn't consider it a loss. We'll see where it goes from here!

**TLDR:**

* Understand the desire dynamics in your relationship, do research, think about how that applies to and impacts your relationship.

* Approach your partner on the topic of sex first, not just fantasies: discover, identify, understand, and discuss what make each others sex drive work.

* Frame the HW fantasy in the way it makes it about her and not you, help them understand why it's appealing to you.

* Keep yourself open to broad definitions of success, at the end of the day you partner may not want to sleep with other men, but that doesn't mean you need to take an L and not take some sort of meaningful lesson or improvement on your relationship through the HW fantasy.