TL;DR: Stag/Vixen couple. Husband to be always involved and respected. Our “rules” require group chat, but guys always eventually initiate private conversation with her, which is a dealbreaker for husband. Husband doesn’t want to rock the boat, but wants to be respected.

My wife and I (38M/35F) have been active in the lifestyle for almost 2 years, with another year limited to fantasy only. We have a stag/vixen dynamic, which (for us) means that the husband is actively involved and/or takes the lead role in all aspects of finding and vetting potential partners, chatting and getting to know them, and planning play dates; husband will be present and is free to participate in all play sessions (MFM) as much or as little as he wants. The act of serving her in that capacity is what I enjoy the most, aside from the actual play and seeing/enabling her to have her every desire fulfilled. She doesn’t enjoy the vetting or planning process, and she gets burned out at times with having to manage the endless chats. For those reasons, it’s a great dynamic.

All of our profiles clearly explain our dynamic, and make it clear that the husband will be involved and should be respected at all times. We make it known from the beginning that we expect all conversations to be in a group chat for 100% transparency. Making our boundaries and expectations known in the very beginning makes it pretty easy to weed out the bad ones pretty soon into the vetting process. That’s pretty much the extent of our rules, and most guys don’t have any problem with that. We have had many excellent experiences since we’ve been active, and have maintained long-term contact and had repeat play dates with several guys.

However, it seems inevitable at this point that every guy, even the “best” and most respectful, will eventually initiate a private conversation with her. It always starts as just an innocent comment, to which she innocently responds to, but once that channel is opened it evolves into a full conversation that continues indefinitely while the group chat goes silent. I know of at least 7 guys that we keep in contact with, but as of today only one has messaged in group chat in the past three weeks. I think every other one has messaged her privately. I like these guys, and I love that they fulfill her desires, but I get no satisfaction from being excluded. I don’t want to cut ties with them, but I don’t want to cause any drama. She doesn’t feel comfortable correcting them either, and when I comment about it to her she views it as confrontational and accusatory. At that point she’d rather exit the lifestyle altogether rather than have to discuss it and resolve it. Idk what to do to ensure that everything continues with our boundaries respected and no drama. Has anyone encountered this? How do you handle it? Any other suggestions? I’m happy to answer any questions or discuss it further if needed.