So, I’m sure all you awesome couples in this lifestyle who bring in singles have your own rules & limits to protect the safety & security of your primary dynamic. My wife and I are no different. But recently, we got caught off guard by a third who (in our opinion) should have better identified his intentions from the jump .. and we’re left processing the fallout of how to avoid a similar situation in the future.

Backstory, we’ve been together 20 years. Extremely secure and madly in love; and love kink sex with thirds and/or swaps. It’s been incredible for our sex life the past few years. But that’s it, not trying to catch feels, join a polycule .. or find a boyfriend / girlfriend for either of us. NO disrespect to those who ARE.. but Romance & emotions are NOT part of this dynamic for us. We’re good on the love part. We identify as swingers.

We recently met a single M on Feeeld, who caught us off guard.. and would love some group perspective from you fellow kinksters.

This gent was an IDEAL candidate on paper: -military -unattached -experienced -intelligent & interesting -attractive & hung -thoroughly enjoyed OUR dynamic vs feigning interest to just fuck my wife

We moved to a group chat and spent weeks getting to know each other. I had my red flag radar going HARD, and it passed muster .. the whole time. He genuinely seemed eager to get to know both of us. To the point where I was ok with the first meet & greet being coffee between just my wife and he (not typically our dynamic as we don’t play apart). I really didn’t see this guy as a threat. He was a gentleman that day; chemistry was good, another thumbs up.

Fast forward a few more weeks, the date was set and the deed went down. We had an incredible MFM threesome.. my wife was the primary focus, and he got our dynamic 100% (I don’t sit out). This elated us, as we’ve been looking for a reliable consistent third FRIEND; and this guy was rapidly becoming a candidate. We had another subsequent fuck-fest .. and the vibes continued as some of the best we’ve had yet.

Here’s where it went sideways. Up til now, the conversation had 95% of the time been between the three of us in group chat on Telegram. For an unrelated reason, we switched messaging platforms to Snapchat, and he slid into my wife’s DMs for something completely innocuous (logistics or something. I can’t even remember now). My wife’s incredible, we communicate well, and she told me immediately.

After a few days, the messages turn increasingly sexual and more alarmingly, romantic. Up until now, all sexting / sexy chats were in a group setting .. ( I knew this because she’d tell or show me, open phone rule between us both).. and it started to irk me. He’d say Little things like “you’re really starting to want me for yourself, huh?” When discussing his dating life .. or “good morning, lover”. He pressed for some solo time between the two of them. Red flags in hindsight ..

*** Caveat, I actually enjoy when guys make an effort to woo my wife a little bit.. We’ve experienced the other end of the spectrum where guys just ghost, no-show / show little interest in her or try to play weird head games .. She DESERVES to be fawned after a bit as this isn’t solely transactional sex, there needs to be SOME chemistry.. but, again, there are boundaries. And we’d addressed with him (or so I thought). ***

Instead, this was different energy. It felt very much like he was trying to court my wife. I’ve seen this from other dudes, but it’s usually early on and very transparent. Not months into the process. I understand NRE is a thing, but this felt different and he had her guard down completely at this point. One thing we’ve focused on, in our efforts to avoid repeat mistakes.

At this point, she did something that I’ve never seen her do in the lifestyle with partners, directly lie. She’s brutally honest; which I love! At one point, He asked if we were still pursuing single M’s (which we were) and she denied it. This was my first BIG red flag. By her own admission, she cared for the guy, and caught some feelings… not wanting to hurt his.

For the record, this is long AFTER she’d outlined that our dynamic does not involve her having a “boyfriend”. He again pushed a bit for solo time with her, and my spidey sense just went heywire. We had plans to meet for a sexy roleplay day the three of us, and instead shut it all down before it reached that point.

What got me was this guy was still corresponding in the group chat very platonically and seemed very invested in OUR life. Checking in on ME when I was on business trips etc.; friend stuff. It all seemed more than just keeping up the appearance of interest with both of us. He even took the moment to outline why he adored the dynamic my wife and I had together in a very poignant note at one point. Polyamorous signs of respect; or playing us hard? I’m Debriefing over here and I’m still scratching my head on it.

In hindsight, I don’t think this guy is utterly duplicitous (or at least I want to believe that vs him being an absolute expert at manipulation), but if it was a case of the feels getting in the way, he has WAY more poly interest than being a FWB .. and wish he’d been more up front about it. Or maybe he truly was trying to get my wife to fall for him, who knows.

So, in conclusion, have any other couples had surprise issues with the feels getting involved after HARD vetting a candidate?

Is it even possible to have a semi-platonic friend with benefits? Or are we kidding ourselves? I know some of you avoid repeat performances with single M’s for this exact reason, and maybe that’s how it will have to be for us going forward, but up until now, we believed we could keep a “rotation” of fuck buddies for her.

Incidentally, My wife and I are ride or die, and have rebounded fine from this. We have a backup dude on call, are back chatting with some candidates, and will come out of this stronger than ever, like every speed bump we’ve hit in the lifestyle. We’re just trying to figure out how to better spot guys who just can’t seem to keep it casual to avoid this in the future.

Happy threesomes to all, and to all a good night!