I'll probably delete this today as my girl (F41)is on reddit as well and I know what most level headed folks will say.....but I need to talk this out kinda.

So I'm into hotwifing. I learned about compersion and that best describes me. I love when she experiences pleasure. She is legit the most beautiful woman in the world, a unique worldview (half Japanese born in Brazil, immigrant to Canada), is so hardworking and has the biggest heart. I always want her to cum first and until me she only did a few times with partners. I'm lucky to have her and am so proud of her and I think that's a big part of it.

So I learned about hotwifing and it turns me on. I think it helped her open up and gain more confidence as we fantasized and made our sex life and dirty talk steaming hot. I loved telling and texting her sexy stories in which she is the star.

We had sex at a sex club in Toronto and people loved watching her. We did once have an impromptu threesome with a guy vetted for that purpose. It was meh because we were drunk and also it was a stranger.

Neither of us are into the bull aspect. So as a result we always talked about an organic partner and more regular.

So that is what happened. An acquaintance through kids hockey was all over her. She kept him at bay for months but we talked about it and she started texting him and then things went very fast. She went and had sex with him a week later for 3 hours. Didn't cum but she said he gave good head and did shoot a huge load twice which she likes. (My refractory period is probably closer to 30 mins plus and sometimes I focus on making her cum so much we will have sex...mostly foreplay....for so long I become desensitized and don't even cum. I'm fine with that but she feels bad. She's a giver too)

Anyways for 3 weeks in a row on Wednesdays it's been the same thing. There are rules and time limits and she hasn't cum.

Here's the thing: I'm off work with my depression at the moment (first time in over 10 years) so it probably wasn't the best time to start this.

When she goes I feel sick and very sidelined. Although we don't like bulls, people in the lifestyle are more ....knowledgeable I think and are more open to the sharing aspect. This guy is just a ....kind of straight edged guy and probably definitely has feelings for her.

I am fine with solo play but I thought it would be after a period of sharing and being in group texts and video etc being involved. I probably didn't communicate that well enough.

She feels more confident and says our sex has heightened. She always checks in about shutting it down. I trust her completely. She doesn't have feelings for this guy and honestly it's probably more of a stage in our sexual development.

I just.....feel terrible. It's something I do want for her and we do incorporate it into our sex later and all that....but I'm struggling.

Unfairly I expect people to know my thoughts when I'm depressed despite me holding back and that's on me.

It's just....I want this for her. I don't want our adventures to go backwards....and I feel like I'm just waiting for her to end it through it's natural course.

I'm struggling thinking it's solely because she picked this guy which isn't fair. But maybe. I feel I'm better looking, I have a great job and am confident and nobody will make her cum like I do. So I feel pretty challenged as to why.

Is it my depression? Is my depression behind the entire kink? It's like pushing someone away maybe? Fuck I'm confused.

Yet I still find it hot in so many ways, but it's like the bottom rung for me personally with this kink.

I don't know. Sorry. This was long. If someone read this....thank you so much.