This is me and my pony, Oliver (the bay gelding). I adopted him from a local horse rescue in 2013 when I was 22 years old. He was green broke at the time and we came a long way together. He was the love of my life!

About 4 years ago, I was deeply depressed. I had gained a ton of weight and realized that I no longer fit on my petite 13.2 Arab cross. I made the decision to send him out on a free lease to a wonderful farm where he's been ever since, giving lessons to kids and packing around total beginners like the amazing pony he is.

A little over a year ago, I reached out and wanted to try to come ride Oliver again. The farm owner who is leasing him said she really was not comfortable with it because of my weight (see the photo of me on the haflinger) and the fact that she was paying his vet bills. I got off the phone with her and cried but knew deep down that she was right and had Oliver's best interests in mind.

That phone call triggered me to get my life back together and have dropped almost 100 pounds since. (See the second photo for 2020 vs 2021!) A few months ago I started coming around the farm where he is leased pretty regularly and trying to get back into horses. I was riding a thoroughbred mare at the farm for about a month, but had to stop as she was struggling with an old injury and was frequently lame.

The owner of the farm was always a little weird and hesitant about wanting me to ride Oliver, even after I came back and she saw how much weight I had lost. I am well within range for him to carry me at this point. I didn't push it and when the thoroughbred didn't work out for me, I ended up finding a half lease on a very cute chunky mare at another barn through a friend of a friend. I've been riding that horse, Pim (chestnut mare on before/after photo), for about 3 months now and am consistently going to ride 2-3x a week, taking lessons and really getting myself back into tip top shape.

I'm really, really happy to be back with horses, but I miss my boy a lot. I brought up a few months ago me possibly ending the free lease and taking Oliver back, and his leaser started crying and said he was a part of their family and she really wanted him to stay. I dropped it, and have been using the last few months to try to decide what I want to do. I have a really great half lease right now, at a great barn. Oliver is 15 now, and he's not getting any younger, and he has an amazing retirement home where he'd be loved up until the end. Do I really want to change things?

My question to Reddit is - do I push it? His leaser has been pretty clear that she doesn't want me riding him while he's under her care, but she takes meticulously good care of him. Do I really want to have to pay for board and all the other expenses of owning a horse again when I have a good half lease setup? Does him staying where he is mean I'll never ride him again? I texted his leaser yesterday to ask how he was and haven't gotten an answer. I feel like if I ask for him back again I'll have burned that bridge forever and I know she's going to be extremely upset. We did sign a lease contract 4 years ago but it was for 1 year and we never went through any paperwork to renew it for the last 3. I do have his bill of sale proving that I am his legal owner if there are any issues.

I was thinking of telling her she can continue to keep him through the end of 2021. I don't know, does this all make sense? In my heart I want my horse back, but my brain is saying it makes more sense to leave him where he has a fantastic home for life.