So, growing up, like a lot of us, I rarely saw others my age. Sunday church would usually be it. Maybe a play date once every few months with a church friend. As i got older, I was allowed to hang out with friends slightly more often, like once every two months, until my friend outed me as a lesbian and none of the other parents would allow their kids around me.

Anyway, basically, I developed extreme separation anxiety. I couldn’t spend the night away from home without my parents, or I would get so anxious I would make myself physically sick. I’d feel so guilty about spending time away from home, like I was doing something wrong. Last minute plans were even worse, I just couldn’t do it.

I went away to college when I was 18 (thank goodness my parents did the records and everything right, and I was accepted to a decent college). It was about 4 hours from home. I cried myself to sleep every night for two weeks, feeling so guilty and awful about being away from home. Eventually, however, I got past that, and I really started to enjoy having freedom and being around my friends. One of my friends, we’d hang out every day, multiple times, and I loved it. I still occasionally got anxious like I used to, especially around 8 pm, when I’d call my mom every night, but never to the point of getting sick.

Then the pandemic happened. And I moved back home. I actually get along with my mother very well, so this wasn’t all awful. However, I went a year without seeing friends, and now that I’m vaccinated and things are opening back up again, and my friends are asking me to come hang out, I find myself wanting to withdraw like I used to, even though I desperately want to hang out with them. I know I just need to push myself through it and that I’ll be happy I did, but gosh if it isn’t stressful in the process.

Is anyone else having similar problems? I found i regressed back to old habits from when I was homeschooled in many ways during the pandemic, such as relying on imaginary friends and journaling at length, but this was not one I expected.