I'm starting college in Jan and I am so anxious I was unschooled as a kid I assigned myself some studying to do today and I started spiraling because I realized all I ever do has no meaning or anything it's just there I feel like if I died right now everything would have been for nothing but I don't know what I'm living for I feel like my future has only 10% of what I want and nothing will make up my lack of childhood or caring parents or having someone who is proud of or cares for me I want to go through medical school and I know I will do anything to achieve that but I am in a awful situation right now I don't know algebra I don't know a lot of things I should and I just feel like I'm going to fail out of college and get discouraged and never succeed I know I'm going to keep trying but I don't know if that will be enough it feels like it won't I have PTSD from my childhood and I feel like my entire life will always be half of what it should be like something's missing like I feel happy because of something but I don't feel the happiness I just feel the thing my emotions are out of wack they're ether null and void or I start crying at nothing and almost scream out of not being able to handle my own emotions my dad also hasn't helped with any of this he's been lying to me about things that would be life changing and forcing me to do things that are bad for me even though I don't want to do them and I vocalize that I found out I can get a homeschool diploma and he immediately starts making fun of it like saying "why don't you just print out your degree too" and I was frantic because it ment I would actually get into college and not just live my life at 10% I was frantic trying to pay a transcription service to print out my diploma because I need it to get ibto college and the sooner i have it the sooner i get into college he then dropped the bomb on me that he knew about that diploma this whole time and paied for me to take and fail the hiset twice he would rather me cry my eyes out and feel like discrase to myself than help me for the first time with my education and apparently the reason he did that was because he wanted me to learn thats the whole point of college that is the entire reason i want college is to learn if you gave my a button that would kill him id press it for this i am so so pissed i can't express he doesn't need to do this to me so why is he hes been treating me like i dont have opinions or a voice since i was a little kid he never let me make disidions for myself and when i told him about it he mocked me like i was being ridiculous because obviously he knows best he's older and more experienced and actually got a education I would never treat me child like this I would kill myself if I did this to someone and this isn't even the only thing he's done he didn't let me get a job as a teen he also didn't let me go to camp because I needed to be a witness at court incase something happened I had to be there that was my whole life exist to be a eye witness I could go hangout with friends my weekly group I was a part of at 17 kicked my out when I turned 18 and it's not we went half the time not I'm only comfortable alone I feel uncomfortable in crowds and talking to people I need the social interaction that everyone else got why did i get it did my parents think i wasnt worth a life did they think I didn't need friends or people to talk to did they think i just needed them i really feel like they never cared how could they and do all of this they couldn't have so why do I keep thinking tht they did there best and get depressed when i think that because thats the best they could do? My dad also made me rehome my dog rabbits and fish and sell all of my belongings and then got me a apartment that I didn't have the ability to pick out and kicked me out everything has felt different after that I went from feeling neglected to betrayed and neglected he was trying to buy my love by giving me money and gifts whenever possible but I don't think you can buy love and I don't think you can recover from all of this I think my PTSD got worse after getting kicked out because I started struggling a lot more with everyday tasks I started having trouble with eating and I never did before it was always the situation where I would have to beg for food and I'd eat whatever I was given then I had money and no one telling me "you can't buy that it has high fruitose corn syrup" or "do you want to stay fat" when I asked to be taken to the mental hospital to just get away from my father he said no and there wasn't anything i could do my top surgery was also cancelled right before he kicked me out and he acted like nothing was wrong i was going to kill myself i had enough then he said we're selling the house in a month so we need to get the place fixed up and get ready to move he was angry when i bought back what he made my sell and he was angry when i eventually got a dog then he was happy when my sevice dog in training was stolen from me by my husband and my husband i just keep forgiving because he means stbility i know he would never kick me out and i know he would never intentionally hurt me unless it beifited him which is better than my dad I'm tired of my life it's just shit after shit it doesn't seem to get better