SWANLUMPS #107: The Night Before Christmas

Hey Riddle Riddle - Episode 75 - The Night Before Puzzmas w/ J.P. Riddles

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Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a moose (that says mouse)

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care

In hopes that old JP Riddles soon would be there

The children were all nestled in their jammies

While JP Riddles fell asleep in his Camry

And if he was honest, it wasn’t his car

But he’d shattered the window with a piece of rebar

And mamma in her 'kerchief, and dad in his cap

Would soon find that someone has shattered the back window of a Toyota and taken a crap

When out on the roof there arose such a clatter

Dad sprang up from bed to see what was the matter

Away to the window he flew like a flash

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave a lustre of midday to objects below

When what to his wondering eyes should appear

But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny rein-deer

But on closer inspection the reindeer were raccoons

And some of them had weapons, like forks, knives and spoons

They brandished their cutlery and gnashed on their teeth

And a shadowy figure rose from beneath

The little old driver, so lively and quick

And covered in what must be his own sick

Dripping with rabies, his course as they came

And he spit and he cursed and he called them by name

“Now Mad Dog, now splinter, now President Nixon,

On Concrete, on Cumin, oh Dogmur, now Blitman

To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all”

My idiot brother thinks he’s safe in his castle

Well tonight boys, we dine on the flesh of that asshole

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky

So the raccoons little claws scurried up the gutters

And old JP Riddles gave his curses and mutters

Now a sleigh full of toys would be a welcome relief

But old JP Riddles pulled a knife from his sheath

And by knife I mean old rusty Beefaroni lid

And the sheath was a sock that he nabbed from some kid

And by nabbed as a term is more flowery flattery

For in truth the kid had smacked him with a sock full of batteries

And then to everyone’s horror up on the roof

Came the prancing and pawing of each little hoof

That’s right, JP Riddles had taped hoofs to the beasts

Which only made then more furious and somehow more diseased

As the family drew together at the terrible sound

Down the chimney JP Riddles came with a bound

And he was dressed in what one might have describe as clothes

But they’d long since been rotted and all but decomposed

From his head to his foot, he was covered in scratches

And his hair was a-tangled and missing in patches

And picking himself up from the ground with a scoop

One thing became clear, he was covered in poop

“Well it looks like JP Riddles made a mess in your car”

He shrieked making his was to the bar

And he mixed up a cocktail that suited his taste

One part vermouth and four parts squirrel paste

He drank it down quickly and spit for good measure

His eyes full of furry and panic and pleasure

And then to the floor flung the bindle from his back

And he looked like a maniac ripping open his pack

His eyes, how they twinkled - his dimples, how merry

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry

His breath a disaster, his skin a damn crime

And every single inch of him covered in grime

His dirty little mouth was drawn up like a snake

And the beard on his chin was obviously fake

He was skinny, and crazy, a right jolly old elf

And they cried when they saw him in spite of themselves

With a wink of his one good eye and a twist of his head

Soon filled the family with thoughts of great dread

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work

And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk

And laying his finger aside of his nose

He shot a nose rocket, up the chimney he rose

He sprang up his sleigh, his raccoons a cooing

They covered him instantly and then started chewing

But they heard him exclaim air he sped out of sight

“Get these damn raccoons off me for I’ll die from their bites”

And slowly, the family peeked in their stockings

And to no one’s surprise they were all filled with squirrel droppings